Monday, March 12, 2012

Day 8 Set back

A few years ago Kingdom Mama wrote a post about rings on a tree. Well, that was the metaphor she used to describe people changing.. I believe her grandmother told it to her.. and it has always stuck with me.

You can't see people change, or yourself for that matter, from day to day.. but when you look back and compare where you are today and where you were a year ago.. you see wonderful changes! Or at least, I do.

My husband, friends, and children are often hard on themselves for whatever faults, wrongs, sins.. they have committed. And I always tell them that as long as they feel bad for having done whatever it is they did, to just let it go and live the future sincerely trying to not do it again.

I used to have A LOT of guilt laying in bed at night. I would even often cry I felt so bad. Things I said to my children, not cleaning the house, not playing with the kids more.. whatever it was.. I had an unrealistic expectation that I was to be perfect and each night when I undoubtedly failed.. it ate me up inside!

And sometimes sure, it's warranted if you crossed the line, but that isn't what I'm talking about. I'm talking about Frank coming home from work, ticked off at something that happened that day and then being so bothered by it that when the boys get too rowdy, he flips out and yells at them. Then, it is guaranteed, that he immediately feels guilty for overreacting. So now he feels like shit from work AND home.

I say, fuck it!! I'm classy like that. Let it go. Do you really feel bad? Cause if you do, then next time, watch your temper and don't take your personal issues out on the kids. Get a better grip on self control. No ones perfect, but when you look back on your past, you better see some great strides.. Or else, you're really not trying that hard.

I used to yell, hit, and curse a lot more. And now, I say please and sorry more. What more can I ask of myself? I'm not perfect.. and I never will be.. nor do I even want that on my plate. I have faults and if you forgive and accept mine, I'll return the favor. Promise!

That isn't even what this post is about tho.. I'm just a rammer jammer babbler.. anywhoooo...

I have had an unhealthy love of food for too long.. 15 years ish.. and this past week was the first time I ever accomplished a week long goal. EVER. In FIFTEEN YEARS!! I'm pretty amazed with myself. And I sit here and wonder if this is really it. Is my emotional addiction over??? Can it be?? Or will I relapse and be turning to food next time I get antsy, bored, sad, mad, down and out?

I feel like I am in purgatory. My former life doesn't feel like the comfortable shoe anymore, but yet, I don't know what else is there.. I only know that life. The life where I spent hours everyday thinking about food, driving far distances to get a particular meal or treat (or both!), then regretting it, and sulking for a while. Then creating a new food plan for the next day.

It has really been a major life struggle. And even tho I turned to close friends, my husband, and even a shrink or two in the past, nothing has ever helped me. Frank just doesn't get it and says something obviously simple like "You just have to watch what you eat, ya know." and at that point I either tell him he's a moron who obviously doesn't understand what I am saying at all!! Or I smile and say "You're right. I know. I will." and then roll my eyes when he walks away.. option B has better results. Trust me. My friends don't get it either. They don't obsess with food like me. And the doctors are.. just too weird for me. I can't do it. It's freaky talking to a stranger and they offer information that I already know from googling the topic since my craziness began forever ago..

Anyway, for anyone who can relate, it's an obsessive mindset that takes away from your quality (and quantity) of life.

And here I am. No longer in her mind. How did I do it???? I wish I knew. I wish I could tell other girls and women what happened. But I can't.

I created a meal plan, just like I've done for years now. Except last Monday, I actually stuck to it. Then again on Tuesday and so on. My meal plan was quite strict too. I'm surprised I didn't cave. I would juice some veggies in the morn and drink a cup of that. Then coffee with creamer an hour or two later. Salad (apple cider vinegar dressing) for lunch, and a regular dinner, nothing too healthy, but only ate ONE serving (say what?!?!) and a normal person's serving, not a Nicole sized serving.

I saw results every day on the scale, so that definitely motivated me.

But here I am.. Sunday.. the day I set my first goal for.. and I accomplished it..

But now what?????????????????????

I can't go through another week of such restrictions. It wasn't too hard, but I am now craving fast food, and candy, and cake.. And I'm so sick of that spinach and strawberry salad with that dressing. It was delicious for the first week. I actually craved it. But no more.

I am in foreign territory. Not my familiar (crazed) self..


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I ended my draft there yesterday.. and wasn't really sure what I wanted to tell my future self when I go back and see how this journey ended.. errr began.. but then I went and ate a bunch of carp today.. sooo.. um yeah.. we'll just randomly end it and begin anew. =)

I had my meal plan set up to include Arby's as my reward for doing so good last week, but then decided I didn't want to take the gas guzzler a half hour away for a sandwich.. but my mind was already in I'm-eating-crap-and-it's-okay mode.. so I went for the crap foods..and just didn't stop. and then did stop.. and then made a donut run! ugh..  at least I got up and went running (2.5 miles/8:48 pace - fastest time so far) .. fuggit.. What can I do..I told myself that sometimes a big calorie shift is good. It confuses the body and shakes things up. I have work the next two days and I typically don't eat there.. so I won't be pigging and I grabbed some healthy foods today so I should be good to get back on track tomorrow. Going to readjust some things on my meal plan and call it a day.

Day 8 first set back.. not too shabby.

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