Friday, March 30, 2012

Treadmill Time

I have so much to catch up on. I really need to start updating more often..

I have been slacking in the running department.. but in my defense, you can't really run with hiney problems.. (super duper painful hemorrhoid - I got no shame) I logged 31.7 miles for the month of February.. and being as I just started running Feb 4th that was pretty amazeballs! I mean I ran a bunch in the Army, but that was foreverrrr ago.. I've probably ran less than 30 miles in the past 10 years..

So now March started nearing its end and I didn't want to update that my total mileage was 9 miles.. even with me taking a week off due to my hiney hurting.. so yesterday I went to the gym and...

I had planned on running 6 miles.. but at mile 2 I hit the pause button to gulp some water.. and it wouldn't let me unpause it.. I kinda felt a little sick and dizzy, plus we were going out to dinner.. so I decided to call it a day.. got my gear and walked to my car..

and of course forgot my keys inside.. derrr.. but, the weirdest thing happened.. by the time I got to my truck I was a little ticked at myself for stopping at 2 miles.. plus I felt 100% better.. so you know what I did.. I went back in for more!! Oh yeah baby.. I felt so proud of myself.. I really wanted to do 4 and just get it over with.. but yeesh.. I was tired.. So I told myself I'd do 2 more.. then go do some arms, then come back and do a 3rd set of 2 miles.. and rack up my 6 total like I originally planned.. except at mile 2 I felt good and decided to do 2.5.. but then I had a genius idea.. I said I'll do 2.75 this way I would for sure get back on a 3rd time!! Because even if I was super tired from doing 2 sets.. there's no way I'd leave without at least doing .25 to round it off to an even 5 miles!! I know me! so that's why I did 2.75 the 2nd time..

The whole arm routine did not work out.. tons of guys in there.. and my nipples were at full attention.. ugh!! I mean I was sweating.. not cold.. what the frig?? Yeah, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror, nor did I want to turn around and face someone else.. so I did one quick set and got back on the tread.. for the 3rd time!!!!

So even though it took me 3 times.. I got my 6 miles in.. booyah!!

Today my legs were sore.. but I made myself do 3 miles before work.. well, at work technically.. I do the bookkeeping for a store that sells gym equipment and it's closed on Fridays.. so I take Ethan and we go chill.. hehe.. coincidentally I do bookkeeping for 3 Retro Fitnesses too.. ironic..

Todays run was slooooooow.. but whatever.. =) Oh and that whole me burning 416 calories.. uhh hell to the no.. I didn't enter my weight.. but when I entered this run in on Log Your Run.. it said 215-230 I forget.. but those are my accurate #s.. I guess maybe a 300 lb person might burn 400+ miles running 3 miles at 10 min pace.. but not me.. ha!

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Faux Stress

Professional blogger I am not. Most of the blogs I read are that of professional bloggers.. I am not sure how much they rake in, but getting a check in the mail instead of all bills or spam must be nice! But here, it's just a ton of random babbling without rhyme, reason, or photos..

So let's have another session of that, shall we??

I have so much on my mind today.. disorganized thoughts ping ponging off one another.. I can not stay focused on anything long enough to sort it out and solve.. hoping typing it out will help..

1. Do I want to have another child? I would LOVE LOVE LOVE a daughter.. my mother and I are so close and I can't imagine not having a daughter to shop with or lunch with or just bond in that way only girls can as I get older. And if I don't have any more kids.. should I get permanent birth control.. I am on the NuvaRing but it's still altering my natural state. And the risks increase with age.

2. Do I invest some money into sprucing up the house up? I am constantly looking here or there thinking that it could look so much cuter.. new paint, new trim, new throw rugs and pillows, new curtains, change up the bathroom, oh my.. it's so expensive.. I don't know where to start or what to do.. what if I paint something and I don't like it.. (again!!) and paint has to come first before I can match my accessories to it.. tough life I know..

3. Should I start a garden? Should I do a simple one that won't produce much or should I go big and take on a bigger project, but reap bigger results? Where should I do it?? How will I keep it protected from the animals and kids??

4. Should I home school the kids? They sit at desks all day with stressed out teachers who expect them to behave like little adults.. then after their 6 hour long day they come home with more work.. and heaven forbid they don't do it.. I get a rude email about how my 7 year old is holding up the entire class because he didn't have his questions ready. I have conferences tonight.. if Frank doesn't come (I don't expect he will) she is going to get an ear full.. if I can muster up the confidence.. cause I'm one of those all talk kind of gals.. remember..

Umm.. I can't think of anything else.. okay so I guess I'm not all stressed out and overloaded.. I just have a false feeling that I am.. ha!

So basically I need to repaint the kitchen for the millionth time, find cheap decor to make my house prettier.. nix the garden idea (because learning how is too much effort right now) and spruce up the yard with some landscaping instead.. oh and I need to tell my son's teacher to kiss off in the nicest way possible.. bitch

And I'm ganna go with the no more babies route.. and hold off on permanent birth control for another year..

Because doing nothing is always easier..

Monday, March 12, 2012

Day 8 Set back

A few years ago Kingdom Mama wrote a post about rings on a tree. Well, that was the metaphor she used to describe people changing.. I believe her grandmother told it to her.. and it has always stuck with me.

You can't see people change, or yourself for that matter, from day to day.. but when you look back and compare where you are today and where you were a year ago.. you see wonderful changes! Or at least, I do.

My husband, friends, and children are often hard on themselves for whatever faults, wrongs, sins.. they have committed. And I always tell them that as long as they feel bad for having done whatever it is they did, to just let it go and live the future sincerely trying to not do it again.

I used to have A LOT of guilt laying in bed at night. I would even often cry I felt so bad. Things I said to my children, not cleaning the house, not playing with the kids more.. whatever it was.. I had an unrealistic expectation that I was to be perfect and each night when I undoubtedly failed.. it ate me up inside!

And sometimes sure, it's warranted if you crossed the line, but that isn't what I'm talking about. I'm talking about Frank coming home from work, ticked off at something that happened that day and then being so bothered by it that when the boys get too rowdy, he flips out and yells at them. Then, it is guaranteed, that he immediately feels guilty for overreacting. So now he feels like shit from work AND home.

I say, fuck it!! I'm classy like that. Let it go. Do you really feel bad? Cause if you do, then next time, watch your temper and don't take your personal issues out on the kids. Get a better grip on self control. No ones perfect, but when you look back on your past, you better see some great strides.. Or else, you're really not trying that hard.

I used to yell, hit, and curse a lot more. And now, I say please and sorry more. What more can I ask of myself? I'm not perfect.. and I never will be.. nor do I even want that on my plate. I have faults and if you forgive and accept mine, I'll return the favor. Promise!

That isn't even what this post is about tho.. I'm just a rammer jammer babbler.. anywhoooo...

I have had an unhealthy love of food for too long.. 15 years ish.. and this past week was the first time I ever accomplished a week long goal. EVER. In FIFTEEN YEARS!! I'm pretty amazed with myself. And I sit here and wonder if this is really it. Is my emotional addiction over??? Can it be?? Or will I relapse and be turning to food next time I get antsy, bored, sad, mad, down and out?

I feel like I am in purgatory. My former life doesn't feel like the comfortable shoe anymore, but yet, I don't know what else is there.. I only know that life. The life where I spent hours everyday thinking about food, driving far distances to get a particular meal or treat (or both!), then regretting it, and sulking for a while. Then creating a new food plan for the next day.

It has really been a major life struggle. And even tho I turned to close friends, my husband, and even a shrink or two in the past, nothing has ever helped me. Frank just doesn't get it and says something obviously simple like "You just have to watch what you eat, ya know." and at that point I either tell him he's a moron who obviously doesn't understand what I am saying at all!! Or I smile and say "You're right. I know. I will." and then roll my eyes when he walks away.. option B has better results. Trust me. My friends don't get it either. They don't obsess with food like me. And the doctors are.. just too weird for me. I can't do it. It's freaky talking to a stranger and they offer information that I already know from googling the topic since my craziness began forever ago..

Anyway, for anyone who can relate, it's an obsessive mindset that takes away from your quality (and quantity) of life.

And here I am. No longer in her mind. How did I do it???? I wish I knew. I wish I could tell other girls and women what happened. But I can't.

I created a meal plan, just like I've done for years now. Except last Monday, I actually stuck to it. Then again on Tuesday and so on. My meal plan was quite strict too. I'm surprised I didn't cave. I would juice some veggies in the morn and drink a cup of that. Then coffee with creamer an hour or two later. Salad (apple cider vinegar dressing) for lunch, and a regular dinner, nothing too healthy, but only ate ONE serving (say what?!?!) and a normal person's serving, not a Nicole sized serving.

I saw results every day on the scale, so that definitely motivated me.

But here I am.. Sunday.. the day I set my first goal for.. and I accomplished it..

But now what?????????????????????

I can't go through another week of such restrictions. It wasn't too hard, but I am now craving fast food, and candy, and cake.. And I'm so sick of that spinach and strawberry salad with that dressing. It was delicious for the first week. I actually craved it. But no more.

I am in foreign territory. Not my familiar (crazed) self..


I ended my draft there yesterday.. and wasn't really sure what I wanted to tell my future self when I go back and see how this journey ended.. errr began.. but then I went and ate a bunch of carp today.. sooo.. um yeah.. we'll just randomly end it and begin anew. =)

I had my meal plan set up to include Arby's as my reward for doing so good last week, but then decided I didn't want to take the gas guzzler a half hour away for a sandwich.. but my mind was already in I'm-eating-crap-and-it's-okay mode.. so I went for the crap foods..and just didn't stop. and then did stop.. and then made a donut run! ugh..  at least I got up and went running (2.5 miles/8:48 pace - fastest time so far) .. fuggit.. What can I do..I told myself that sometimes a big calorie shift is good. It confuses the body and shakes things up. I have work the next two days and I typically don't eat there.. so I won't be pigging and I grabbed some healthy foods today so I should be good to get back on track tomorrow. Going to readjust some things on my meal plan and call it a day.

Day 8 first set back.. not too shabby.

Friday, March 9, 2012

A full week's success!!

I bought the juicer and have been making one round for me and Frank each morning before we have anything else. I would like to do it at night, but the clean up is just not worth it. Not that it's even that hard or time consuming, but once a day is enough for me.

I have been doing great with not overeating. Juice in the morning, coffee a few hours later, salad for lunch, and whatever dinner I want, just in a normal person's portion. It feels good. Having control and not feeling so stuffed all the time.

It has only been one week, but it's sort of like quitting cigarettes I imagine. It just gets easier.  I feel less tempted to turn to food when the kids are all talking to me at once or arguing over whatever it is they fancy at that moment. In fact, Frank had to run to Vitamin Shoppe tonight for his crack Jacked 3D and it's in the same shopping center as Salad Works so I decided that I'd go get a different salad (I have been eating spinach and strawberry salads alllllllll week long). Well, on the way he mentioned Taco Bell. I told him do what he wants, but I'm not getting any.

And I meant it. We ended up skipping both joints, but I was proud that I said no. I could've had him drive me to any fast food spot, but I resisted.

Did I mention I am only 5 days into my fast food recovery?? Yeah, I am IN LOVE with Dominos pizza, Burger King, and McDonalds. Wendy's used to be my #1, but the others have edged out in front. Especially Dominos. I recently upped my order from 2 pies to 3!!!!!!!! Frank pretty much gets his own. Then me and the boys would share one. But me and the baby need more! He cries if there isn't any leftover for later on or the next morning. I hear ya kid!!

I was eating fast food three nights a week. And that is not counting the afternoon runs to the bakery for me and Ethan. The other two will get something too, but not finish it. Ethan gets and finishes 2 things and I get about 4. That and the bagel shop. Oh my my. I get a plain with butter microwaved. An everything w/ cream cheese microwaved. And a cheese danish. I was doing that 3x a week for lunch for months now.

My only other bad food habit was candy. I'd be anxious, hungry, stressed and I'd make a loud announcement "Who wants candyyyy?!?!?!" and whatever was going on, whatever argument over video games or cries that they're hungry (but not for the food we have at home).. they were gone!! And what we had was 4 happy little spirits bouncing to the car for a candy run. I'd easily drop $15 at CVS for us. We did that once a week.

But not this week. This week the little devils tempted me with all their might. "Can we pleeeease get ____?" and I just replied with "No, I'm making ________." =) I'm super proud of myself. And I saved... okay, well I guess I didn't save anything because I spent well over $100 on just fruits and vegetables. I couldn't believe it. I was thinking $40 - $60.. But it's better than spending it on food that was going to make me feel like shit - physically and mentally!!

I am a small girl. Not super tiny, but small enough. I'm five foot even and pretty much stayed at 106 - 109 since high school 16 years ago. But a year ago it crept up to 112. I know a measly 3 lbs, but I noticed it and who wants to gain weight anyways? Not me. But I didn't care that much and kept going with my carb loving, emotional eating ways. Then about three months ago it crept again, this time up to 115. And I decided that I don't want to start gaining weight. 10 lbs is noticeable on me. My clothes are tighter. My shirts show my muffin and pudge. My arms are flabbier. No thank you! So I finally stopped my crazy eating, well at least for this past week I did. And I totally plan on continuing it. And I went from 115.5 last Sunday to this morning (Friday) 112.4. woo hoo!

Did I mention I am rewarding myself with not one but two Arby's beef & cheddars on Monday. Oh yes I am!! I know all the rules say don't reward with food, but why not?? It's my love language! I did great all week and damn it I want a beef and cheddar! Ok two. But I am keeping my calories within limit. AKA I'm not eating anything else all day. LOL I know that's so bad, BUT I am eating super healthy all week long and in order for me to continue I have to have one cheat day meal day meal. Whatever it is. I am taking Ethan and we'll eat there for lunch, then I'm taking one to go and that's dinner.

Then I'll go back to eating salads and shit for another week and then Friday me and my girls are celebrating a friend's birthday at a hibachi joint. Oh yeah!! Plus, my favorite bakery makes "green and whites" on St. Patty's day instead of "black and whites" and since I only eat the vanilla part, it's basically a dream come true!!

Ok ok. I have to stop so my adrenaline slows down or I'll never get to bed.