Sunday, January 8, 2012

Hi, I'm Mat.

I am in a very heated mood right now.. I went to ShopRite's can can sale at 8am (read: nightmare) and then Frank texted me to get him dip (not the kind you eat w/ chips, but tobacco dip that I'd have to stop at a different store for) and it irritated me so much. We are tight in the funds area and he knows I only have a few bucks, why would I want to spend it on his bad habit? Plus, I am in the grocery store at the busiest time ever (can can sale is super great deal day!) The nerve of him.

I am normally a people pleaser.. I get anxiety at the thought of people being mad or upset with me, so I tend to just make them happy. And in general, I do think most people should be like that. Except every now and then I think that maybe I'm being too nice to other people and in turn.. allowing myself to be mistreated.

So I decided to ignore his request and just go right home. Well, boy oh boy, was he pissed! And it kind of just validated my thought process. Here I am always trying to please him, and the one time I don't fulfill your request, you get nasty? Hell to the no!

So after getting very upset, I made coffee and went upstairs to chill.. then he comes up and is so sorry, please forgive me, I was a jerk, blah blah blah..

So now.. it's like, what do you do?

I can totally see why people get divorced. But then it's like God wants me to forgive right? But if you keep forgiving, isn't that allowing yourself to be mistreated??

I'm not talking about me and Frank. I mean I am still quite miffed about him saying that I basically don't do anything. Grrr.. but I know he doesn't mean it. I mean being as I do everything!! And he was very apologetic a few moments later, so divorce is quite the stretch, however, I don't want him to ever disrespect me like that. It's so evil.

But my point is - what about all the other women out there who get mistreated far worse or far more often. Where do you draw the line between forgiving someone and allowing yourself to be mistreated?? Especially when it's by a person who you know inside and out. Whether they have abuse issues in their past, or insecurities, or issues with pushing loved ones away because they feel unlovable?

Frank will be quite the rude little jerk like about three times a year. I then give him my lecture about how hard I work, how disrespectful it is, how would he like it, yada yada, but in the end, I'll let it go because I know he loves me and doesn't really think those things, and because I know he's just a human sinner who was ticked at me and just wanted to make me feel like crap because he did.

But what about the woman who deals with it 12 times a year, or 24, or whatever. Or the woman who gets smacked one time a year, or two times. If your partner comes at you and is sincerely sorry, how do you know when to forgive and when to forget.

That's my problem with being overly nice to people. I just know that Jesus wants me to be kind and I also know that when I am hurtful to others, even if they deserve it, I feel horrible afterwards. But then, it ends up eating at me. I allow my friends to say hurtful things to me and I don't say anything back.

Man, I am pathetic! I sound like a doormat. And the worse part is I am! Okay, time to overshare.. LOL

My mother can be so mean. Our car broke and she was a total nightmare. Saying that (read in very evil voice with mean evil eyes!) our credit was horrible (how do you know? and uh, no it isn't!) and that we would never get a car because no one was going to finance us. I mean hello, my friggen car just broke and coincidentally, so are we. So why would you be evil like that? Why not just shut up and say, Oh, I'm so sorry.

Meanwhile Frank was able to get me a (financed) very nice truck with no money down and no trade in.

I've never wanted to tell her off more than those few days. But did I? Nope, I just cried because she was being so mean.

Note to Spirit Self, do not come back again as doormat.

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