Monday, January 30, 2012

Parent God Loving Children

I was just at Kelly's Korner and she was having a crappy day because her daughter doesn't listen too well.. and she feels like it reflects her.. and that in turn.. she's a bad mom.. Herlow?! Did I not just write about that yesterday?? Don't you just love when God puts the signs for sanity right up in your face like that?? Like, aw my Nicole feels alone, let me show her know the truth is otherwise. =)

So then Kelly said this other blog had a similar story and it was uplifting and funny.. so bored little me decided to check it out.. and oh em gee.. it was wonderful!!!!

It was so good I had Gavin come read it. It totally lifted my spirits..

I was feeling a million times better than yesterday anyways.. sometimes life just feels so overwhelming.. but, when it passes, you can see all your blessings again.

I was thinking about how I should write about where I am in my life.. I always write so that I can remember the kids.. but will my 50 year old self remember the 30 year old me?? I have a horrible memory, so my money is on No.

But talking in the 3rd person is so awkward.. soo maybe another day ; )

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Great Kid, Poor Grades

I must be the queen of optimism. Because I am going through a pretty rough patch in my life.. and all I keep saying (and wholeheartedly believing) that it's just a season and this too shall pass. I just can't wait for it to be over. Maybe it's the winter? Being stuck in the house, and especially with the kids being stuck in here with me. 

I am just SO overwhelmed lately that I cry. I have always been the do-it-all kind of wife and mother. Half by choice to let my hard working husband have some relaxation at the house, and half because I have some OCD tendencies that make it impossible to watch someone else do something not up to my standards.

But this has always pretty much worked for our family (especially Frank ; ) But lately, I can not deal. Nor can I get anything done!

Not that I have any readers, but if someone somewhere happens to stumble upon my blog.. and you are a teacher, or a psychologist who specializes with children.. throw me a bone please!!!

Here are my issues as of late:

Gavin is 13, super kind, quiet, loving, respectful, great kid. However, he doesn't pay attention in school so when he comes home with work to finish or homework he doesn't understand it. I then have to reteach him the material. I am not sure if he really just doesn't get it because the teacher didn't speak his language or went too fast.. or if he just completely didn't listen to her/him because he was chatting. Regardless, I now have to google it, learn it, and then teach it to him. Should I being doing this?? Also, he takes FOREVER, like 3 hours to write a short essay. So after tutoring and homework dinner - if he has any reports due he is up until 11pm. Should I force him to complete it because he takes so long?? Or do I set a time limit and say you have 2 hours, if you can't complete it, you will have to deal with the consequences of failing.

Now, before you give me any logical answer - we've tested him for a learning disorder (none), we have him with a tutor, I have tried a million times explaining the basics of writing, to write how you speak (because he speaks well). My husband, my mother, I spoke with his teachers for the past several years, and I went to the school counselor.

All his teachers agree with me - if he tried he could easily get a B. I have concluded it is a lack of confidence. I think he thinks he can't do it, so he sits there in a stupor not sure what to do. I think one day the switch will flip and he will see what everyone else has seen all along - that it really isn't that hard and that he can totally do it!

But, every year I keep waiting and yesterday he turned 13 and it's still yet to come. Will it ever?? I feel I have failed him and that is why the tears have been flowing lately. Did I friggen yell too much? Help too much? Help too little? And regardless of the past because he is a great kid who is happy and feels loved (so the past can't be that bad) the point is what do I do TODAY and tomorrow????

Do I overly help him to ensure he passes? Or is that unhealthy? It's just sooooooo hard to see him fail. I need prayer.

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Parenting is not my Forte

Geez Louise.. I am feeling like a complete failure in the parenting department lately. Gavin has two Ds so I took away all the electronics until he brings them up. But then he comes home with a book report and a humongous report on the crisis going on in Darfur. Nevermind he does an hour or two of tutoring after school. The kid has been up till 10pm getting it all done. And I'm not the most patient parent, especially after 7pm.

Do I let him stop doing his homework because he's taking 3 hours to do something most kids have done in less than an hour? And that's not just my opinion. My mom, Frank, and coincidentally I had two very close family friends over this week who saw him first hand take hours to write a simple book summary that was 3 paragraphs long. He just.. I don't know. He'll be listening in to our conversations - and actual ask a question or make a comment! Like dude, do your work! I must say that 15 x a night.. Drives me bat shit crazy.

I have the two other ones screaming, running, singing, dancing, talking, laughing, asking for a snack or a drink. Where am I supposed to stick Gavin? I have him at the kitchen table so I can peek on him and be available for help. I could try his room, but the kids' room is up there too. I usually try and send them upstairs and keep Gavin downstairs.. but then the other two get the shaft.

Parenting is sooooooooooooooo hard. And this report. Oh man, I seriously just said a prayer asking God to be with me when we do it. Gavin is clueless on how to write an essay. It's his one and only weakness. But it is constantly expected of him so he is constantly struggling. He can get away with a book report. It's brief and after he writes it, I red pen it, he fixes it, and then it's done. But reports? Especially this one on Darfur. Holy Shit! Seriously, it's 15 pages long and the topic is (a) depressing and (b) hard to dumbdown. Gavin will read articles and they are so advanced he struggles to rewrite it in his own words.

Where's that leave me?? I can't write it. Annnnnd neither can he. Derrrr...

I don't know. I tried breaking it down during the week. Asking him to write 3 paragraphs just on displacement. And when I read it, it was obvious he just copied it off the internet. I don't know.

I just know I suck ass at parenting. Wanna few snipits??


Okay, shut up. My show's on.

Heyyyyy!!!! Don't touch that! That's for Gavin's class.

Ayden, just give him the toy. I don't wanna hear him scream.

Go clean your room and don't come down to pee or eat or get a drink until it's 100% cleaned.

Stop whining or I'm taking a picture of you and showing it to all your friends in school.

Gav, can we not do cupcakes this year? Because I don't have eggs. Because I don't wanna go back out in this crap weather.

Gavin, this is the last year I'm making cupcakes for school. If you want em next year, you're on your own.

Um, just a random thought.. I go pick Gavin up from school today. I pull up behind the one and only car in front of me. There's my Gavin. I wave. Nothing. I beep. Nothing. I'm seriously so close if it were nice out and my windows were down I could shout at a normal tone and he would hear me. I beep again (while flailing arms in the car like a crazy person.) Oh, hey. I didn't see you.

Oh yeah, project day is going to be juuuuuuuuuuust great!

Saturday, January 21, 2012

and ACTION

To continue from yesterday.. I have some really great ideas for myself. My health, my mental state, my house, raising my children, and so much more. My problem is they are puzzle pieces that I haven't yet figured out where they go. And unless I type it up write it down none it will ever come to fruitation. Fruitation isn't a word?? It has to be. Focus Nicole.

I have created a chore chart for the kids. Routine will be good for us all. A filled in chore chart equals an allowance for them - yay! And a cleaner house will most certainly keep me.. calmer. =)

I have got to get back to deep prayer and meditation. They go hand and hand for me and when I practice them the benefits are immediate and undeniable. I need to slow the roll and make the time!

I have been eating crappy poo poo. I normally eat well 60% of the time or more and for the past few months it's been more like 6% of the time. I can't believe I don't have zits all over my face from all the junk. *knock on wood*

***Do you know how that saying (knock on wood) came to be? I might've written it on here a while ago, but oh well. "Back in the day" people used to think that the angels lived in the trees. So when they said something they didn't want to come to fruitation true, they knocked on the wood to awake the angels and have them protect whatever it is they said from happening. Or so that's the story I've always been told ; ]


Anyways... the point is I need to get organized. I mean how can I expect myself to get motivated to tackle chaos?? No no. I need to make a plan.

Did I just plan to make a plan?? Oh boy.

Friday, January 20, 2012

Jambalya

Did I butcher the spelling of that?? I'm a jersian, we don't typically make "jambalaya" but I love using it as a verb meaning - to throw a bunch of crap together ; )  And that's what this post is. A bunch of randomness thrown into one pot post. Shall we bullet it?

I am normally very focused on thing at a time. The instant I get a thought into my head, I'm basically obsessed with it. Hence my thinking of painting my kitchen, then actually painting it within the next 15 minutes. (Then hating it and painting it a new color each day for the next three days, but let's not go there again. Sigh)

But lately, I have several intense topics fighting for my attention and I just can't focus on any of them. So guess what? None of them are getting any progress made. grr..  I'm thinking about:
  • The homeless and volunteering or being brave enough to actually make bags and hand out food like one fabulous woman I read about. (Just asked her for her blog addy again since I didn't save it. I'll add her link when she emails me back.)
  • Repainting my kitchen yet again because after all that paint, I'm still not loving it. But what color(s)??? And then what accents? And I want cool shelves, but which ones? And what colors?
  •  Cleaning my house, like repainting dustboards and doing my blinds, and even switching some out that the kids and cat destroyed because nothing looks tackier than jacked up blinds! And right now, I am that house. Well, I pull mine up so you can't see the random crooked one, so no one sees it, but I know it's there!
  • Dr appointments for the kids. Seriously, I am definitely behind. And eye dr appts and dentist appts. For me too. I'm a total slacker.
  • Started exercising Jan 11, 2011 and went several times a week for every week until Nov 2011. Missed one day and have not gone back! That is a total me move. I told ya I get obsessed. But let me break the routine and it's like that habit never existed. Hrm, I could use that towards my advantage.
  • Been gaining weight because I've been eating when I'm bored or stressed. And not fruits & veggies, oh no. Bagels, donuts, whoppers, pizza oh my!
But one good thing I have done recently that I've been meaning to do is hide my credit cards. I taped them suckers up and locked them in the fire box and woo hoo it feels good!

But yeah, totally need to get on the ball and at least attempt to tackle some of my goals. Work has been a bit crazy. And I really shouldn't complain because I only work 4 days this week, then 2 the next, then 4, then 2... and only 2 of the days out of the month are full days. The rest I am off early enough to get the boys at 2:20.  But still, I feel like I am always there. I went from being home for years to hardly being here alone at all.

Mama needs her alone time! But okay, Frank and the boys are chilling downstairs.. I just heard Frank say "It's cold down here. Mom likes to set it like a cryogenic chamber." *rolls eyes* What a fool! That's Dr. Who talk.. and besides, we have radiator heat.. so downstairs may be chilly, but upstairs is a sauna.

Ok, that's enough complaining to last me a few weeks. And I do feel better. So thanks! Free therapy, gotta love it!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Painting the Kitchen. Again.

What did you do this past holiday weekend?? My kids had off Friday and Monday so it was a long one for us. I got a bug up my butt and decided I no longer liked the rusty orangy color of my kitchen walls.. ya know, the ones I loved not too long ago. Yeah, them.

So I dug out the ole paint cans and threw some on the wall.. I figured I'd leave it up for a week and see what I liked.. plus it would be motivation to actually paint because I couldn't just leave random slabs of paint on my walls.. no no..

Gavin said my magenta looked like lipstick.. so that was a no go.. the gray was too blah.. but the navy blue?? Ooh la laa!! I couldn't believe I liked it as much as I did. I mean Navy for a kitchen??

So after... 5 minutes I was moving appliances, kicking the kids out of the kitchen and painting my walls!

Too bad it was too dark. That was a total buzz kill. Let me tell you.

The next morning, I woke up and couldn't deal. Then I thought, hey! I have some powder blue. I can do a few walls the lighter shade and brighten things up. So day two - light blue!

Another no go!! Do you know how hard and time consuming (!!!!!!!) painting a kitchen is. And mine is pretty big. Not new, but big.

Day three.. woke up absolutely despising the baby blue. Painted the big long wall white.. witch made my one navy wall really pop especially since it's small and has bright white trim. Whew, finally something I liked.

Then the opposite baby blue wall.. I chose a medium gray.. if you're counting that's navy, baby, white, then gray! Three of which made the final cut! I have one navy wall, three white walls, and two gray walls. Weird little nook thing gives me extra walls.

I like it. Not love, but like. But I'm thinking yellow on one tiny wall and then some new shelves.. with some color..

Sounds crazy, right?? LOL No one really likes it too much either. ha! I have got to get pics up. I will. Next post. Pinky promise!

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

He missed how many assignments?!

Gavin Gavin Gavin.. I can think of several posts on here that praise you as though you are above all other pre tweens.. and sometimes, I believe you are. But today, today I think you are my punishment for all the wrongs I have done to my parents.

And maybe everyone else too. God give me strength.

Monday, January 9, 2012

My 1st Mean Comment

I read blogs every night in bed. I have a few gossip sites I read, a few news sites, and a few blogs. It's my nightly ritual. Well, I've revamped my blog and I was messing around with my page and I saw "Spam Comments". I clicked on it and there were 2 I've never seen before. One was from a woman whose blog I used to read and one was from a stranger I've never heard of and there was no link back to her page. And you know what the little snot rag wrote:

"I'm really sorry for what happened, but you have your own blog so why go around to everyone elses and whine. Honestly."

It was written in Oct 2010 about my mother's house being robbed. Firstly, I'm not a big commenter on other people's blogs. I just like to read them. Secondly, let's not get overly dramatic with the whole "everyone elses" as if I even read more than 6 blogs. Boil my blood.. Rude little witch. I'm a nice person. You shouldn't be nasty to people. Let alone without leaving a link back to your page. Cause I am nice, but I would've written her a nasty nice little sutten-or-other.

But I'll listen to the voice that is telling me to.. "Let it go Nicole, it was over a year ago."

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Companion Guide

Several hours after I posted my Hi, I'm Mat post.. Frank and I were yet again talking about what happened this morning and he said something along the lines of "Hey, it only happens every six months. So it'll be another six months before it happens again."

He was serious too!! as if that were a good thing. It was like he was processing it all through his mind, obviously feeling like a jerk for .. being a jerk. And thought "Come on Frank, don't beat yourself up. Your a good guy for 363 days a year."

And oh my word...

That just reminded me of how he used to always say.. "At least I come home and I'm not a drug addict." NO SERIOUSLY that used to be his argument if I ever got on his case about not helping out more. I'm like OK Frank. Good job! You're better than the dirtbags who don't come home and get high all night. Can we maybe raise the bar a tad now?

Garbage Picker

I decided that I needed to go running today to clear my head. I am not a runner. I was in the Army and am very athletic, but I much rather get my cardio in the form of spin class or step class. Those types of exercises get your heart pumping, but don't destroy your lungs. Let alone I haven't done a lick of any exercise since before the holidays. But, I went running nonetheless. See?


So a mile into my 1.5 mile run, I was giving myself a pep talk about how I was ganna blog about running and that I wasn't going to walk (so I could say I wanted to stop, but didn't. ha!) ..... 3.2 seconds later I preceded to walk. I tried jogging again, then walked, and kept this up for the rest of the miserable way home. Well my misery was short lived because when I was 3 or so blocks away from home I saw a beautiful wreath on the curb. Score! I picked it up and jogged the three blocks home with this ginormous Christmas wreath in one hand.. LOL


I came in the house all bragging to Frank about my fabulous find. He's not a fan of garbage picking, but gets a good laugh out of me doing it. Anyway when I picked it up off the counter to admire it some more there were pine needles all over my counter.


So I am assuming it's real pine (duh) and is that why the previous owner threw it out?? Can you not save real pine wreaths?? Well, I'm ganna try and see what happens. But worse case, I take the big ole bow and pine cones off and add them to a future craft project.

Hi, I'm Mat.

I am in a very heated mood right now.. I went to ShopRite's can can sale at 8am (read: nightmare) and then Frank texted me to get him dip (not the kind you eat w/ chips, but tobacco dip that I'd have to stop at a different store for) and it irritated me so much. We are tight in the funds area and he knows I only have a few bucks, why would I want to spend it on his bad habit? Plus, I am in the grocery store at the busiest time ever (can can sale is super great deal day!) The nerve of him.

I am normally a people pleaser.. I get anxiety at the thought of people being mad or upset with me, so I tend to just make them happy. And in general, I do think most people should be like that. Except every now and then I think that maybe I'm being too nice to other people and in turn.. allowing myself to be mistreated.

So I decided to ignore his request and just go right home. Well, boy oh boy, was he pissed! And it kind of just validated my thought process. Here I am always trying to please him, and the one time I don't fulfill your request, you get nasty? Hell to the no!

So after getting very upset, I made coffee and went upstairs to chill.. then he comes up and is so sorry, please forgive me, I was a jerk, blah blah blah..

So now.. it's like, what do you do?

I can totally see why people get divorced. But then it's like God wants me to forgive right? But if you keep forgiving, isn't that allowing yourself to be mistreated??



I'm not talking about me and Frank. I mean I am still quite miffed about him saying that I basically don't do anything. Grrr.. but I know he doesn't mean it. I mean being as I do everything!! And he was very apologetic a few moments later, so divorce is quite the stretch, however, I don't want him to ever disrespect me like that. It's so evil.


But my point is - what about all the other women out there who get mistreated far worse or far more often. Where do you draw the line between forgiving someone and allowing yourself to be mistreated?? Especially when it's by a person who you know inside and out. Whether they have abuse issues in their past, or insecurities, or issues with pushing loved ones away because they feel unlovable?

Frank will be quite the rude little jerk like about three times a year. I then give him my lecture about how hard I work, how disrespectful it is, how would he like it, yada yada, but in the end, I'll let it go because I know he loves me and doesn't really think those things, and because I know he's just a human sinner who was ticked at me and just wanted to make me feel like crap because he did.

But what about the woman who deals with it 12 times a year, or 24, or whatever. Or the woman who gets smacked one time a year, or two times. If your partner comes at you and is sincerely sorry, how do you know when to forgive and when to forget.

That's my problem with being overly nice to people. I just know that Jesus wants me to be kind and I also know that when I am hurtful to others, even if they deserve it, I feel horrible afterwards. But then, it ends up eating at me. I allow my friends to say hurtful things to me and I don't say anything back.

Man, I am pathetic! I sound like a doormat. And the worse part is I am! Okay, time to overshare.. LOL

My mother can be so mean. Our car broke and she was a total nightmare. Saying that (read in very evil voice with mean evil eyes!) our credit was horrible (how do you know? and uh, no it isn't!) and that we would never get a car because no one was going to finance us. I mean hello, my friggen car just broke and coincidentally, so are we. So why would you be evil like that? Why not just shut up and say, Oh, I'm so sorry.

Meanwhile Frank was able to get me a (financed) very nice truck with no money down and no trade in.

I've never wanted to tell her off more than those few days. But did I? Nope, I just cried because she was being so mean.

Note to Spirit Self, do not come back again as doormat.

Friday, January 6, 2012

My ghetto wreath

I just exported my other two blogs, both were private, into this one and boy oh boy do I feel fabulous for doing so! They were both private for a reason, mainly because I wanted a private outlet to work through two issues - each got their own blog. ha! But I allowed one to evolve into something far bigger than need be and the other, well, I gave it up to God.

So now, I have all my memories in one happy place. It's like cleaning out your pocket book, except on a much larger scale. Though I won't go as far to compare it to cleaning out the closets, or even the cabinets really.

I have been really addicted to craft blogs lately. Especially the thrifty ones! I have always loved people who decorate for the little holidays like St. Patrick's Day or St. Valentine's Day. If I drive by and see a pretty wreath or a light up something or other in the window, I just think it is so cute. So I have been googling homemade crafts for St. Valentine's day and I have a few good ideas.

But I got the itch to try a wreath today and boy oh boy, it is ghetto! But I love it anyways.

I took the top of the container that holds my Christmas decorations and I used an exacto knife to gut the middle out. Then I cut open a red paper bag from the dollar store and wrapped it up.



This is what I got. A little wonky around the edges, but I knew it was just the underneath part. I just did it so that if whatever I did didn't cover it entirely, there would be red showing through.



Then I took some fancy ribbon I bought a year or two ago to wrap around Christmas presents. Except that I never even opened the ribbon, so it was going to waste. And since I dared myself to make a cool wreath from materials I already had, this was perfect. It's red and white, but not too Christmasy.


Well, okay now that I'm looking at it again, I guess the snowflakes are a dead ringer, but that's why I added some white hearts!




It's not done, but it looks cute. Especially when I hang it with a big huge bow. Not quite sure what else I'm going to add onto the wreath, but it's too bare to leave as is. Oh, and those cardboard white hearts - they came from the bottom part of the inside of the red paper bag. The cardboard that keeps it a bit sturdier. And I thought, well gee, this won't work with it being paper and being outside.. so don't worry, I "laminated" them.. ya know, with scotch tape.

bwahahaha

Ghettoooo..

Welcome Back Nicole, we've missed you

Just changed the status for this blog back to open to public.. I went through a rough patch and I needed to work through it alone.. but now, it's just negative energy that needed to be let go. And so I went through some posts and deleted the yucky ones.. and now.. I have my memories back.. in a happy place.. not a blog I don't use because it's associated with something I let evolve into something more than it was.

Now if I can just transfer this blog to my new one.. that'd be supah cool!