Sunday, September 30, 2012

Love Hate Love

No one can infuriate me like this man can.. my blood is boiling right now.. yet, I know with certaintly it is a little, very stupid, misunderstanding.. I want to say "arguement" but it really isn't..

But his reaction has sent me in a tizzy.. I am fuming.. I want to curse him out so badly.. I want to pound on his face actually.. ha! It's the Italian Jersey girl in me..

He is up in PA doing some side tile job with my brother.. and sends me a text that says

"Tell ayd i love em. Miss u guys. I looove u :)"

Like um just tell "ayd" you love him.. not Ethan?!?!?! (Gavin slept out)..

Something so stupid, right?!?!? Well he got ticked at me for saying something.. he writes back "of course I meant Eth too." (mmm hrmm)

I'm not saying he doesn't love Ethan!! I'm just saying what father WRITES tell one son I love him.. who does that??

Well, apparently I insulted him (I'm sure he took it as I was calling him a bad dad.. and in a small way I guess I was.)

So do you know what he says at the end.. that mother effer writes:

"I'll deal with you when I get home."

OH MY WORD!!!! No he didn't!!! Who the fuck does he think he is talking to?!?!?! Oh yeah, I'm furious.. I know I know it's my ego.. but Lord help me not kill him.. Lord help me forgive.. Lord?? Herlow?? Did we get disconnected???

Nicole, it's me Satan.. you are sooo right!!! He had no right to talk to you that way!! Get him girl! Show him what's what!! You do everything, he does nothing! lol

Breathe Nicole.. breathe.. he's grumpy he's at work.. he thinks you told the boys daddy only loves you Ayden (I would never of course.. but he may think that)

Do I call or text an apology???? But for what??? What did IIIIIIIII doooo??? He's wrong. I'm right..

But okay okay.. Jesus floods me with forgiveness.. I will return the favor.. I guess..

But first.. I'll lighten the mood.. or attempt to.. he's just as furious.. I'll text him:

"I forgive you." hehehe


Whew.. glad that's over..

Monday, September 24, 2012

What a freakin day...

Dr. Oz said chew your food slowly today.. do you ever feel like all you process all day is information you already knew??

My day started off at 6:45am when my cell phone rang..

Me in a super groggy voice: "Hello?"
Little girl voice on other end: "Hello?"

Click.. we're disconnected..
Ring ring.. grrrr..

Me: "Hello?!"
Her: "Is Gavin there?" (my 13 yo - who has his own cell phone!)
M: Who is this?
H: Gavin's friend Nicole.
M: Well, this is Gavin's mother Nicole. Do not EVER call this number again. This is my cell phone. It is friggen 6:45 in the morning!

Silence and then we both hang up..

I thought it was a weekend and the stalker was really off her rocker.. but she was just calling because they walk to school together.. but still!! Gavin forgot his phone one day and called me on the way home using her cell to let me know he was on his way. Apparently she stored the number. And since Gavin wasn't responding to her texts on his cell.. she tried mine.. What is wrong with kids.. but let me not go any further about that..

Moving on.. I hit some guys mirror with my truck's mirror after dropping the two little ones to school.. tight road, thought I could make it.. wrong!! My mirror collapsed in, but his was metal.. a small work truck.. so I figured, no harm done.. and kept driving.. then about a block away I thought.. what if this guy called the cops and I get a hit a run.. so I pulled over.. he just laughed and told me no harm done.. Thank God!

Drive the twenty minutes to work.. grab my bag in the back.. and there it is.. Ayden's paper with his lines for the upcoming play.. awesome! Mind you this is the same piece of paper we couldn't find this morning and I dug through the trash, not once but twice to find.. where was it you ask? In the bathroom - right where he left it! grrr..

Yep.. had to drive back and give it to him because the only reason it was in the back seat was because he did me a favor and buckled up little man for me..

Needless to say I am spent!

And this whole low carb shit is for the birds.. I want something other than meat and cheese damnit! but the scale is moving and my tummy is looking almost as good as the old bitty with fake boobs who was in my Body Pump class on Sunday.. doncha hate older chicks who (A) have fake boobs, (B) wear full make up to the gym and (C) wear skimpy clothes.. I mean it's bad enough on a young chick.. but older women look pathetic trying to compete with the 20 somethings.. they always win.. they're 20!!!

And besides.. age is sexy.. embrace it.. be the older chick who still goes to the gym with a rockin bod.. we can see it through form fitted clothes.. no need to be popping out in that string tank top that shows your belly girlfriend..

Day 3 was a success.. but don't ask me why or how.. all I know is when I set caloric limits I fail.. majorly!! But this whole stay under a certain # of carbs (past 3 days has been 50g) and I am able to..

But I hate it.. and it's not sustainable.. at all.. most people gain all the weight back.. must must must reenter carbs slowly and never again can I consume them like I was doing.. no more 4 slices of pizza.. sigh.. must be one with a salad and fruit.. or maybe 2 if it's within my calories.. idfk.. I'm hungry = cranky..

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Low Carb Meals

I am not a fan of cooking.. I have "cooked" dinner maybe 25 times in the past 4 months.. that averages about 6x a month.. yep, sounds about right..

My mother raised me on meat, mashed potatoes and a veggie.. and the veggies were sad.. canned corn, peas, string beans.. and then frozen broccoli and spinach..

I've eaten more mashed potatoes than any human should and I stopped eating them as soon as I left the coop at 18..

When the occasion arises that I do cook.. 99% of the time it involves a tortilla wrap: fajitas, burritos, tacos, enchiladas.. or my own little creation..

After gaining some weight and working my tail off at the gym to no avail.. I decided to kick my cupcake, candy and cereal diet.. As much I love love love my carbs.. I am doing the low carb thing..

Today is day 2 and here's what I've learned so far.. you can't guzzle down noncarb foods like you can with carbs.. it's a process to make the salad, or cook an omlet, or fry some bacon..

The process of preparing food does something to me.. I can't really explain it other than to say it seems to calm the animal within..

Normally I shovel cake or cereal so fast that I am not even close to being full.. toast w/ PB is another fave.. but with meats and cheeses.. you don't want to do that.. it's just not as satisfying in large amounts..

But, I am tons fuller on smaller portions.. the meat & cheeses are like bricks in my belly.. I couldn't eat a cupcake even if I wanted to! Well, okay maybe I could.. but the urge certainly isn't there.

I'm still not a fan and really miss my best friend carbs.. but I just keep reminding myself it's temporary.. once I get to where I wanna be.. I will slowly readjust my eating to where I can eat carbs in moderation..

Until then, I need meal ideas that are crazy easy and I can't find any.

Bacon and eggs are great for breakfast.. cheese is a good snack.. salad w/ turkey & swiss seems like an okay lunch, but kinda grossed me out yesterday.. and for dinner (and lunch today) I made chicken, cheese & salsa.. mmm

Throw the chicken in at 350* for 10 mins..
Take out, add salsa and put back in for 10 mins..
Take out, add cheese and it goes in for another 10 mins..

Super simple, one pan.. easy peasy.. my kind of recipe.. my brother taught me that years ago.. but aside from that I got nutten.. : /



Saturday, September 22, 2012

Weight Loss Tips 1 & 2

Dear Self,

Cut your food into smaller pieces.. I know I know.. the urge to guzzle and shove your food in your mouth with such force you almost choke to death is tempting.. but trust me.. you will eat far less and feel so much calmer and happier and lighter..

Chill out homegirl.. ain't no one around ganna steal your food.. I mean, no one's even home with you.. it's all yours.. you don't win a medal for eating 5 bowls of Honey Combs in one day.. otherwise you'd have several medals... all you get is Ayden saying "You bought Honey Combs?!" to which you must reply "Yeah, but they're almost gone. Sorry." and then you see him sorta dumbfounded at how they could be all gone if they weren't even in there before he left for school.

Yeah so um.. tip #1.. cut small pieces..

Tip #2 kinda piggy backs on tip #1.. eat slowly.. like ridiculously slowly.. We all know you are a champ at inhaling insanely high cal foods in mere minutes.. 

But if you cut small pieces and chew slowly.. you will never enter into that gorging phase.. that comes only with the shoveling.. not with the calmness of chillaxing while you eat..

So there you go girlfriend.. try it out sometime eh?

Does it matter that my example for cutting food is a bowl of Honey Combs?? LOL

All logic not welcomed here.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Letting Go

Nine four twelve at eight am

My final bout with my dear old friend

I let him go; rather I broke free

Never again shall he entrap thee

Courage & love & health I shall seek

In God & in Spirit when I feel too weak

I will build up resistance & persevere

Using prayer as my pill from unknown fear


Thursday, August 9, 2012

Who does your hair??

I used to get my hair highlighted every six weeks.. my girl was $150 plus tip.. then they went up to $170 plus tip.. which I guess wouldn't be so so bad if (A) I were rich and (B) I loved the result. But neither of those were the case..

I understand that no one is perfect and she can't possible see what she pulled once it's in the foils.. but hot damn if one side of my head wasn't noticably (to me at least) more highlighted than the other.. every single time. So here I was $200 bucks poorer and ticked when I looked in mirror..

I then went to a friend of a friend who much cheaper at around $80 plus tip.. and she did do a better job.. but even that much money started to bother me.

So off to Target I went and got me some Revlon Honey colored frosting kit.. I didn't love it, but I didn't hate it either.. kinda how I felt after spending $200 at the salon, except this time is was only $15 bucks.. Score!!

Anywho.. my point is.. I now do my own hair.. and have for the past year.. Here's my latest dye job...


Not too bad, right??

Oh, did I also mention I CUT my own hair?? Um, yeah.. wanna see how well that panned out??



I know it appears as tho I'm sorta slanted.. but I'm really not.. my hair is seriously a full inch shorter on one side than the other.. I did this to myself months ago and just always have it up.. so I say ah, tomorrow.. I don't know anyone that would walk around with hair that lopsided.. I'm shocked but too lazy that I have let it go for this long..

Win some, lose some..

**UPDATE**

I was feeling like crap yesterday so I decided to go get my hair cut and then get some fro yo and a few new workout tops.. anywho.. I'm at the haircutting place and after the girl cut some, she asked me to stand up and finished it with me standing up. I've never heard of this before, but I was pretty happy because I took it to mean my hair was too long for her to do in the chair..

Buuut.. she apparently went to Nicole's Hair School.. because homegirl totally left the left side longer like I did! Granted hers was just a small piece, but still.. so much for going to a pro.. yet another reason I will continue to do my own hair =]

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

My life as a Teen Bride

I am still in Summer mode.. but, Fall is so tempting.. the leaves, the breeze, hoodies and shorts - my favorite outfit ever! We live a few blocks from the beach and going up there in Sept reminds me of when Frank and I first met..

Fun Fact:

Frank and I met in Sept 2001 when he started working in my office in the Army.. on Sept 22 after some super smiley stares he gave me his number and said "Call me if you ever wanna hang out." so of course I went home and invited 3 of my guy friends over.. then  called Frank and was like "Hey, I'm having some people over if you wanna stop by." bwahaha..

He came over.. and never left.. we were married on Dec 20, 2001... less than 3 months later! Um, can I just add that we didn't do the deed for two months.. as if that's so much better than the first night! LOL but it is darn it!

Now mind you.. I was 22, divorced, and a single mom!! What a catch, right? I joined the Army right out of HS and told my boyfriend of 8 months that I had to break up with him.. he asked me to marry him a few days later and I said "yes" even tho I was totally fine breaking up with him. The teenage mind is brilliant, let me tell ya! I had my Gavin 18 months later and was divorced a year after that.. I was a single mom for almost two years before I met Frank..

Mom, guess what?!
What?
I got married!!
To who?!

Seriously, that's how the conversation went..

But, I'm sure you can all imagine how thrilled Frank's parents were!!! Their 21 year old son marrying a tattooed, divorced, single mom?!?!? Oh yeah.. proudest moment of their lives.. no fear at all..

But here we are.. going on 11 years next month.. =)

Friday, July 27, 2012

Sock it up & Run

Last week I eased back into running.. and since I was coming off an injury I took it super light.. and am going to be super smart about increasing my mileage.. unlike last time.. 

Sat - 1, Sun - 1, Tue - 2, Thu - 2, Fri - 2

This week:

Sat - 2, Sun - 2, Tue - 1.5, Thu - 2, Fri - 2

I ran today's run without socks.. ummm... never again! I saw that this super amazing super handsome hottie magoo ran without socks.. the fact that he is an ultra mountain marathoner who runs 100 mile races meant nothing.. if he does it then by golly I want to do it. Bad idea..

A blister on each of my heels.. awesome!! What. A. Fool.

Today was supposed to be 1.5 miles.. but at my turn to come home I was chillin like a villain.. I wasn't breathing heavy at all.. so I decided to take my 2 mile route.. but towards the end of it I started noticing my blisters.. so I took my sneaks off and ran barefoot for the last 2 blocks..

Carrying my two sneakers of course.. talk about seksi.. hahaha.. I must've looked like I escaped from the loony bin.. like uh ma'am.. those goes on yer feet..

Hopefully the blister won't interfere with tomorrow's run.. I will ticked that I ruined my run because going sock free looks cuter.. did I mention I'm a fool??

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Jesus Rocks

I am on a Jesus kicks folks.. I just can't help it.. I had a serious issue come up this week and I just prayed and begged and might have even offered a bribe.. and He came through for me. Again!

I am not the biggest prayer.. I stopped going to mass years ago (though I promised to start going again) but when I do pray, it's mostly just me giving thanks. I don't have too many requests in life.

One time, about a year ago money was just ridiculously tight and I thought it was crazy, but decided to give it a try. I went to bed that night and prayed that God would send me $3,000. I calculated our needs and added a little fluff money in there and 3,000 was my number. I kid you not, a Discover card application came in the mail within days and I went online as my husband without his knowledge and applied for a loan - no requested amount, just filled it out. And what do you know??? Frank I was approved for $3,000!!!!

PS I told Frank after we approved.. because he had to call and activate the cards. tee hee hee

Another time, Frank was oncall and working in the wee hours of the night.. I think the electricity went out during a storm and he got called in to fix it.. He left at 9 or 10pm.. we talked within the hour but then I hadn't heard from him. I went to sleep and woke up at 1am.. I called and called for an hour and a half and no answer!!! grrr..

Then, I swear I heard a whisper as clear as I hear my children, say "Call him now, Nicole." and I did and he answered.

Lastly, I again needed money very recently.. not that I needed it, our bills were covered, but we didn't have anything to sit on. I prayed again for money - no specific amount, just to send some my way =) and my mom came up and I started crying about being tight with money and she gave me $1,500.. now, mind you my mom comes up every Tuesday and I cry every few months.. and she hasn't offered me money.. hardly ever.. if I ask that's different, but her offering.. and not wanting it back.. prayers answered.

So this last time when I really needed my prayers answered.. I just knew Jesus would help me. And He so did!!! Okay, I didn't know for sure that He would.. because I am fully aware that His plan is not always in sync with mine.. but if my prayers weren't answered and fit hit the shan.. as crappy as that would be, I believe there would be a silver lining.

For example, when I smashed my truck up on Dec 21 (Merry freaking Christmas) I said to myself "If I didn't total my truck right here, maybe I would've gotten killed further into my travels." I can't help it. I am ridiculously optimistic. Frank loses his job? Well maybe he would've been killed traveling to work or on the job.

PS My truck getting wrecked got me a new truck, my dream truck, two days before Christmas. Silver Lining People!! and perspective.. definitely perspective..

Ugh, what a ramble.. I just had to update since my last post was about me still bugging before my prayers were answered..

PPS My prayers this time were because Frank was either getting let go or getting promoted at work.. and thank You Jesus he got promoted.. my oh my.. just because I know there is a silver lining, doesn't mean I don't stressed the hell out..

Overly optimistic, overly don't handle stress well at all..

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Herlow, Jesus?

Do you ever feel like you need something to take the edge off?? I am pretty great at talking myself off the ledge.. I rarely lose it.. though my kids will likely tell you different.. but they don't know what "losing it" really means..

Lately I feel almost jittery.. it's anxiety and stress and just being overwhelmed with all the things on my To Do List.. it's like when you get on the scale and you see a grumpy number.. you say screw it and turn to food.. but if your number is a pleasant one.. then you (or at least I) am inclined to eat healthier..

That's how I feel when I am faced with so much to do.. I say screw it and do nothing.

But hey, at least I know my logic is illogical. That has to count for something.. I think it's Step 1 actually.. don't be in denial. So, at least I got that going for me.

I just need Jesus. I just feel like He isn't answering the door today. Or the phone. I know He's there.. here.. I just don't know where He is guiding me. I can't focus my energy on 80 million things. I just need to know should I focus on quality time with the kids, schooling, getting projects around the house done, a good deep cleaning, my work.. a little bit of it all? Too much, cross some off??

Herlow God, it's me, Nicole. I am in a stupor and need a hand. Thank ya ever so much!

Apple Tree

aw man.. Ethan just wet his hands, walked up behind Ayden, pretended to sneeze (AH CHOO!!!) and shook his hands at Ayden to make it seem like he sneezed all over him..

Oh my word, hysterical..

Not to mention that he got it from me doing it to Gavin one day.. me doing it to my mother last week was the funniest one yet! Not even when it happened because she didn't freak like everyone.. she was just "Ill Nicole, you sneezed on me." but when I told her that I had in fact not  sneezed on her and was merely messing with her.. hahahaha

She was appauled.. I kill me..

*****************************************

I just made me and Ethan a pbnj sandwich.. as I'm typing the above post he's all nagging me for pancakes because Ayden's eating them.. nagging nagging nagging.. ahhh!!!

I raised my voice and "Alright! But you're ganna wait a minute!"

He covered his ears and said "Haha, you didn't hurt my ears."

If my dad were alive, he'd say "Be glad he wasn't twins."

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.. ; )

Saturday, July 14, 2012

My first Run (again)

Workout:    first attempt at running since my runner's knee.. walked .2, ran .4, walked .2, ran .4, walked .2

First I said I was going to give my knee a break until September.. which turned into August within a day.. which within hours turned into Sunday July 29th.. that was a day or two ago.. then today I woke up and said to Frank "I think I'm ganna try running today." ha!

If it hurt, I was going to immediately stop. In fact, I only ran my block back and forth because Frank got called in and I had the kids incase it hurt I would be close to home. It is .1 mile from corner to corner.. I did some really good stretching beforehand, then walked two laps, ran four, walked two, ran four, walked two. Booya!!!  No pain at all.. came home and did even more stretching and am now icing - just to be safe.

Haven't been to church in years.. but I asked God for a big favor and in return I offered up some services.. actually what I did was write down about 30 things that I thought God would like of me.

Some examples:

Go to church every Sunday
Stop cursing
No computer before all my chores are done
Wake up early and meditate

basically a bunch of stuff that I want to change about myself.. and of course God wants me to be the best me anyway.. so I cut them into strips and shook em around and said a few prayers.. then I let each of the boys pick one.. and regardless of the outcome that I was begging God about.. I promised to do these three things.. Ethan picked the computer one (I thought I was in love with food, but I am REALLY in love with my computer. Talk about finding the motivation to clean house!) Gavin picked "Teach the boys about Jesus." (I always want to, but just don't. Until now.) and Ayden picked Go to church every Sunday.

Funny how the two religious ones got picked eh?? AND honestly, the computer one is by far the most drastic. I spend a lot of hours chilling on my puter. But now, I'm cleaning and hanging with the fellas more.

And can I just add in that I think this whole bump in the road that came up for us.. was really just a wake up call for me to change my ways - the three strips.. and Frank said the same thing about it making him realize what's really important in life and how he has to be a little more responsible at work..

I think it was meant to happen exactly  how it did.. because.. it is HIS plan and even if we see it as a negative sometimes.. it really isn't.

Okie doke.. off to clean and run to Target.. I'm icing my legs right now so I let myself have that 30-40 minutes on the puter cause I mean I ammm just sitting here unable to be productive.. hehehe

Friday, July 13, 2012

Bribing God Lately?

Have you ever made a deal with God?? I have, most recently yesterday. And then it got me thinking about how it was obviously a one-sided deal.. let's call it more of a peace offering.. or better yet a sacrifice. I will sacrifice A, B, and C and in return I would really  appreciate You to _________.

I thought for a moment, Geez I am bribing God! But that's not accurate because a bride is more of a if you do this, then  I'll do this. But my plan involves me keeping my end of the bargain no matter what. And if it's not in God's plan to have things work out the way Frank and I are praying they do, so be it.

I love God, I trust him completely. Even Gavin who, not knowing specifics, but knowing I was begging, pleading, bribing, and praying yesterday said to me "God doesn't make mistakes. Whatever happens is meant to."

Doncha love it when your offspring show such wisdom.. and more importantly FAITH.

Life is good, but GOD IS GREAT!!!

Oh, and just to add in.. our prayers haven't been completely answered, BUT something happened that was super duper allie ooper awesome that leads to our prayers being answered.

Thank You Jesus!!!!!

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Just some sentences

Have I mentioned that I miss running??? Yesterday I decided to completely stop doing Spin & Body Pump.. I am pretty intense with my workouts.. I have to be the best at what I do.. I'm sure it's some psycological insecurity or something.. but regardless, I am just not giving my knees the rest they need..

So goodbye gym friends.. see ya in a few months..

I'm thinking that a few weeks of nothing - except icing and stretching - will have me pounding the pavement in no time. I'm also buying a great pair of running sneakers, inserts, and a brace/strap for my knee.

Most importantly I'm going to ease into my runs this time. I'll be strictly following the 10% rule. Patience is not in my blood, but taking it slowly is an absolute must to avoid injury..

But let me stop with the running talk.. When I can, I will. Until then I just gained about 10 hours a week that was formerly spent at the gym.. and I can use that time to do cute little projects around the house. This chic is my idol. She is super talented, her home is georgous!!! And the best part - she does it all for a few bucks here and there.. which is right up my broke-ass alley..

Life is good, but God is great!

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Runner's Knee Recovery

oh em gee, I am so happy right now.. except for the excruciating pain that this bad boy is causing me..


not the actual knee pain, but the ice pack.. holy cold!! I consider myself a tough cookie.. I was in the Army, I have 7 tattoos.. I am a total suck-it-up-and-move-on kinda girl.. but cold water, ice, and snow are my kryptonite.. 

But back to the me being super happy part.. I ran track in HS and drastically increased my mileage in the Army, but after I got out in 2001 I pretty much stopped completely.

A few months ago I decided to pick it back up and it was like I never stopped. I ran 3 miles at a 10 min mile pace after a decade long hiatus and it felt amazing. I then ran pretty much every day or every other day for about 2 months and increased my mileage (up to 6 miles) and my pace (8:20s). It was euphoric.

Then one day the bottom of my left knee started killing me. I reduced my runs to 3 miles and only ran 2 or 3 times a week.. still no relief.

I have taken up Spin 5x a week and Body Pump 2x a week, but it's just not the same..

I pretty much conceded that I had to give up running. I actually get ticked seeing people run on the side of the road now. But then I thought about people who have lost limbs and can't even do Spin or Body Pump.. so I put my big girl panties on stopped whining.

Ok, well I guess I didn't really "concede" because today I was googling recovery tips ; ) I've thought about trying a new pair of sneakers.. or if adding inserts would help ease the thump thump thump of the pavement.. and then today I thought What if my foot strike is wrong?

So I went to a professional youtube.com and googled proper running foot strike and guess what.. I am a total heel striker!! Which is bad, but majorly awesome too!! Majorly awesome because that means I can very likely take some more time off, keep this friggen ice pack on, and then practice proper form while running again!!! I don't care what kind of goofball I look like trying to ensure my stride is correct.. I'm sure I'll get the hang of it soon enough..

I'm going to shoot for Sept 1 as being my next run.. and this time I won't go from a decade of not running to running 30 miles the first week which looking back was completely foolish.. I was just so in love with running.. I was running in the snow and the rain.. heaven!!

And hey, this heat sucks anyways.. so I'm not missing much.. oh my goodness gracious - I can not wait!!!

Saturday, June 30, 2012

Fresh New Month

How in the world is it July already?? I didn't do any summer work with the kids yet.. I didn't lose any weight for bikini season.. well actually I did.. for one week.. but apparently if you go back to your old ways, you go back to your old weighs..

Oh hot dang.. tell me that shouldn't be on one of those cartoon pictures on pinterest!!! I'm good..

I have tons I want to get posted before my six brain cells forget the events ever occurred.. but, not tonight..

Aunt KT passed away on Thursday.. she was 93 and the last week or two was not doing well, so I'm glad she's up above and not in any more pain.. Viewing tomorrow, funeral Monday..

Gotta go to NY all day Tuesday, BBQing with the family on Wednesday, and Carmen's on Thursday.. boy oh boy Friday can not come soon enough.. I am going to lay out if the weather permits and then come inside and plant my arse on the sofa until it goes numb..

Ta Ta..

Sunday, June 10, 2012

Personal Trainer & the Sock Bun

I may have just dropped the big ole MF.. I wrote my post, hit spell check.. wanted to delete one word.. and poof.. whole thing was gone..

Take Two

I came on here to read some of my motivational posts.. some I posted, some live in my drafts folder.. I'm my own Life Coach.. maybe that's  my problem!

I had an ah-ha moment today as I was driving my broke ass home from the gym.. I am a bookkeeper and I work from home for the most part.. I was thinking about how to use some of my free time to get some more cash flow coming in.. here's what I came up with...

One of my bosses owns 3 Retro Fitnesses.. I was thinking I can offer him a proposition.. no, not that kind.. If he pays for my Personal Trainer Certification, then in return I can give some kick ass Spin Classes or whatever he prefers for free for a few months at one of his locations..

That's step one.. step two would be having post card sized business cards made up.. I'll put my pic on there so they can see I'm fit.. and I'll put that I was a former US Army Sergeant.. then I'll go to the cute little cafes in the ritzy neighborhoods and make friends..

Whatcha think?? bwahahahaha... *sigh* maybe being broke isn't so bad after all..

On a totally random note.. I found a really cool youtube hair tutorial.. I currently have a cut sock in my hair.. I'm too lazy to put the link.. but if it works I definitely will!

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Ethan's butt

Yesterday I was in the bathroom hiding and playing scramble with friends and Ethan knocks on the door and says:

Mommy, my butt hurts.

Um, okaaaaay, what do you want me to do about it?

Kiss it.

Get outta here! I ain't kissing your butt!!

No, not my butt HOLE, just right here.


........... and the best part is.. this isn't even an atypical household conversation.. lucky lucky me..




Monday, May 28, 2012

Memorial Day Mash

Memorial Day BBQ went well.. had a few friends over, we got to catch up and enjoy some yummy food.. all the kids got along.. nice weather.. good stuff..

Frank was at the grill and I told him that I wanted a Boca Burger and that he just needed to heat it up real quick.. and then he put down the real food and oh my word, those hot dogs in all their charred glory sent thoughts of Boca Burgers out the freaking window.. they looked soo good.. nom nom.. and I don't even like hot dogs!

We had so much food leftover, so Frank hooked us up again today.. and again I forgot the potato salad and beans until after we ate.. I have no memory at all.. I blame it on my high school years.. in fact, so does my mother.. I told her the other day she was getting to be like me.. and she replied with "And I didn't even smoke pot!" haha.. coming from a woman who has never done drugs or drank in her life.. it was pretty funny..

My veggie dip was fat free chobani with those powder packets of dip mix.. I used Ranch.. dude, 18g protein, no fat, and only 100 calories for the entire container of dip.. add a mountain of veggies.. and oh my my.. cold and crunchy and flavorful.. I want more..

I attempted the rainbow cake for my first time.. I went with four colors instead of six because I was lazy  rushing, but it came out good.. it tasted even better than it looked.. it was seriously so delish!!


And on a completely random note.. here are some photos I have sitting in my phone..


I think this one works a lot better when they can't see that it's YOU pulling your own hair Ayd..

Do your kids have a goofy face that they do just  to make you laugh?? Ethan one day made a goofball face that sent me and my mom into hysterics.. so of course, he does it all the time now and thinks he's Jim Carrey Jr.






Don't mind the blue chalk.. he walked in from outside and told me he was "trying to be blue all over" then told me to take a picture of him.. total nut job like his mama..

And here's yet another pic of him after dressing himself.. don't mind the red eye.. I forget how he got it.. nothing physical.. more like soap in the eye.. ?? I forget.. Mother of the Year, I know..


The two different socks kill me.. I can't deal with it.. in the house I don't mind, but we don't go out like that.. the two younger ones do it on purpose and think they're hot shit.. this pic kills me.. he is forever pointing with the middle finger.. and the show on tv is The Good Witch on Hallmark.. oh my word they had a marathon that day and I spent 6 hours watching all three movies.. lol I am a total sucker for Hallmark movies! Love love love them..

And yet another totally random note.. I have had an epiphany recently.. I have pretty much been at this weight forever (at least since high school).. and I always thought how I'd be so much prettier, cooler, happier, hipper, etc.. if I was just a little bit smaller.. and then.. I friggen gained like 10 pounds.. well now I lost those ten pounds and am so happy at my original weight that I used to be unhappy at! Ya get all that?? Point is.. perspective is everything!!!! When I was this small last time I didn't appreciate it and wanted more.. but now that I have come down from a bigger size.. I am so happy to be in this body.. I wasted so much time wanting more when what I had was plenty good!

Life is good, but God is great!!

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Bon appetit

I successfully stuck to my meal plan for 6 days.. but then went bat shit crazy and ate my weight in junk food on Tuesday.. but that's okay.. I was down 6 lbs!! but the candy bars and donuts brought me back up two more.. and that's okay too! I'm still down 4.. super happy face

Working out has really toned me up lately, so I'm going to focus on that instead. My love handles are almost gone.. and for that I am beyond thrilled.

I thought I needed to look like a personal trainer to feel this confident, but I tell you what.. I am pretty darn close to feeling like a million bucks right about now..

I plan on doing the low cal thing for another week.. but then I am going to focus more on maintaining my weight rather than trying to lose.. I think I'm also going to lighten up on my workout routine.. It's been great, but I don't want to be away from the family so much..

I've been doing an hour of Spin class 4-5 times a week and an hour of Body Pump 2 times a week.. but I think I might drop it down to Spin 3x wk and keep Body Pump at 2x wk.. and being as my Body Pump classes are immediately after my Spin classes.. I'll only be at the gym 3 days a week instead of 5.. much gooder..

Happy week before Memorial Day!!



We are throwing a little bbq for some friends.. and I already have my attack plan for the day.. while everyone else is chewing on high fat/calorie foods.. I'll be noshing on a super yummy boca burger (flame grilled flavor, seriously takes like a whopper) on a 100 cal flat bread.. add mustard, ketchup, lettuce, tomato, onion, and relish or pickles and you will be eating just as good as everyone else for only 250 calories!! They can have the chips, I'll stick to fruit salad and the veggie tray.. and for dessert.. I'm making a cake for everyone else,  but I'm having sugar free chocolate pudding topped with fat free cool whip.. I call it a mud pie..

Life is Good, but God is Great!


Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Today is Yesterday's Tomorrow

Ok, so I just keep gaining weight.. not huge amounts, but I have consistently gained 1 - 2 lbs every single month for the past year.. for a total of 15 lbs.. nothing major, I know.. except I've been trying to lose some and not only has that not happened.. but the freaking scale is going in the wrong direction..

My problem is that I eat what I want, when I want it.. which used to work just fine until I turned 30 and my metabolism started malfunctioning.. and my other problem (and here's the real kicker) is that I'm only 5'0" so the amount of calories that I should be eating is too little for my food loving self..

I'm sure this sounds familiar to most women:

I need to just suck it up and eat light for a bit and lose some of this weight..

30 minutes later...

Screw it! I look good for being 33 and having 3 kids!

chomp chomp chomp

Crap! Why'd I do that?! Great, another day down the drain.. Ok for real  this time, tomorrow I start the new me.

Why is eating less (or healthier) so gosh darn hard?? I just don't get it.. I am a pro when it comes to diet and health.. I spend hours on the computer every single day gaining the tools I need to be well informed.. I've taken many nutrition classes in college, I have friends and colleagues who are certified nutritionists, I really am quite knowledgeable in the area..

But having the information doesn't make saying no the oreos yesterday any easier.. I work out 6 or 7 hours a week.. and my workouts are quite intense.. I walk away soaking wet.. I chug water all day every day like it's nobodies business.. I got it down.. except for the whole my-diet-is-made-up-of-pure-shit thing..

But my millions of followers.. TODAY IS SERIOUSLY THE FRIGGEN DAY!!!

I am saying good bye the emotional eater within.. I am tying her up and throwing her in the dungeon.. asta la vista baby..

Spirit Guide is now running this ship!!

Friday, May 4, 2012

You are not wearing that!

Ethan comes downstairs every morning fully dressed in jeans or as he calls them "button pants" (refuses to wear sweats or non button pants) and sneakers.. drives me nuts for my kids to wear their shoes in my house, but it's a losing battle.. anywho.. he's looking more and more like a freak as he gets older..


I forget why he was so pissy in this one.. but I am 99.99999% sure it's something along the lines of me not letting him get Mr. Softee or play my laptop or have candy fro breakfast..



 Ethan wear do you want this tattoo? On my FACE!! Where do you want this one? On my FACE!!


This was at like 8 oclock in the morning.. can you see the lime green stains on his shirt?? Um yeah, he got a hold of the food dye and "colored" my white cabinet, his clothes, his hands, my floors, my sink.. and for the record.. it was on Daddy time..


Another morning pose.. look at them, they still have sleepy eyes.. he's so weird with the hats.. its May in NJ.. LOL


Snow boots??!?!



But here's Ayden, so maybe it isn't just Ethan..




Ma! Take a picture of me. Do I look cool? Yes Ayd, super cool! No more response, but his expression say "I knew it." 

Oh no he didn't!!!

I must've jinxed myself yesterday.. ya know when I was saying what a great guy the hubs is.. because he was anything but nice this morning.. I am so mad right now.. I put my cell on vibrate (and then hid it from myself so I don't check it 23x every second) and unplugged the home phone.. oh yes I did..

I often make him sandwiches for lunch.. I know, I know, best wife ever... yeah mm hmm.. that's who I am.. you know who heeee  is.. hes the guy who opens the fridge before work only to have a container of yummy chicken chili fall on the floor.. didn't even open though.. I mean pick the thing up and put it back.. too hard?? apparently, for him, it is..

He drops the eff bomb.. as if someone intentionally set him up.. then I hear him say something like "Oh, ok, how about I leave it like that?!" all grumpy..

Oh no he friggen didn't!!!!!

I go in the fridge to see what he did to get my creamer.. and the *(&#^#$%#^% left the container all cockeyed so that it has a very high chance of falling again!!! And my friends, WHO IN THE &%$% is going to clean that shit up when me or the boys opens the door and it falls and likely spills this time????

Can you believe that shit?!?!? Like dude, obviously one the kids left it in a weird position.. it didn't spill.. get over it.. but set me up to have a disaster happen? Imma kill em..

Oh and need I say homey can starve at work for the next few weeks.. cause the sandwich maker just quit..

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Mother's Day

I'm going to be honest here.. not that I'm normally not! LOL But I'm going to tell a little secret..

When I used to work at this one particular job 6 or 7 years ago.. my boss would often give me off the books cash bonuses.. sometimes $200, often $500, and once or twice $1,000!! Talk about having a sweet job!

Well, when I would be blessed to get one of these bonuses I would LIE to my husband and tell him I got less.. usually half of what I really got. Now mind you I put the other half into a savings account that he didn't know existed for emergencies.. I swear! And if I ever did decide to dip into it, it was always for bills, or family dinner's out.. I never went shopping or anything like that..

But I just felt like we needed an emergency fund.. and I thought if I told him, he'd go spend it on tattoos or something..

Exhibit A:



This was years ago.. but yesterday I came home from the gym and there was $120 on the counter.. mind you our savings has long been depleted and me working very part time means we are broke mudder fackos.. so I'm all "Woo hoo, who's money honey?!" And he tells me some lady at his job asked him to do some side work and gave him the loot.. I"m thinking good for him! And he goes on to tell me she tried to give him $150 but he wouldn't take it and even when she said $120 he still felt she was offering too much, but she wouldn't let up, so he took it..

How friggen sweet is he? He's always like that.. good soul..

So of course I'm thinking.. shit, I could use a 20 bill.. and he says "You want $60?" I felt so ashamed for all the times I wasn't as honest..

I told him I would certainly take $60 but that I was going to buy much needed new gym sneakers and that would be his Mother's Day gift to me..


Taaa Daaa.. I lurve them.. and him..

Oh, but I did also add that my "other" Mother's Day gift was for me to do absolutely nutten next Sunday.. ; )





Saturday, April 28, 2012

Intense Workouts

I have been killing it at the gym lately.. I used to do an hour of intense Spin class a few times a week.. but it got too crowded.. and you had to show up at least 45 mins prior to class to get a bike.. uhh, no thanks..

Hence me starting to run.. it's free, fast, no travel, no sign up sheet..

Buuuut, running doesn't bode well with my left knee.. which really sucks because if I'm ganna quit running I want it to be because I can't breath.. not because I'm limping after 3 miles.. I can do 2 or even 3.. but once I hit that 3 mile mark.. I'm done for a few days.. and 3 miles at a little less than 9 min pace isn't burning off the slice of cheese I had.. nevermind the donuts!

So.. I decided that I was going to give Spin another try.. I even went an hour early!!! and guess what?? They ordered 22 new bikes.. no more full classes.. whoop whoop.. I'm hooked!! again..

I took it a step further though and have been doing another class after Spin.. I am totally digging the Body Pump class.. an hour of weight lifting.. light weights, lots of reps.. I neverrrrr do my arms.. the first day put me outta commission for the next 3 or 4 days! But then I went back and was fine the next day..

Now if I can stop eating like a 300 lb man.. I might actually see results..

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Homeschooling Say Whaaat

Big news..

We're officially a homeschooling family.. yep.. we're bringing Amishville to Jersey people.. Gavin's falling behind and Ayden's been picked on twice now.. and when I say "picked on" I of course mean assaulted in the boys bathroom.. first incident the kid took Ayden's arms and held them behind his back.. and then the last time the same kid punched him in the stomach 3 times.. and left a red mark..

The nurse called and said "Hi Mrs. Buser, nursey here. There was an incident in the bathroom. Another child punched Ayden in the stomach and it did leave a little red mark, but it's okay. He's back in class."

Enter Mother Bear:

Um what?!?!?! No, it's not "okay"! Get my son out of class now and tell the principal I want to talk to him. I'll be there in 5 minutes!

I wanted to ask her if it would be "okay" if I punched her in the stomach and left a red mark.. or if she would have me arrested. Flipping moron! I mean look at that cutie patootie..


This is what Ethan came downstairs looking like.. the kid wakes up and gets fully dressed, sneakers and all, every morning.. today he decided a hat was needed.. and what is with that face?? Goober!

Anywho.. the homeschooling is going better than I could've hoped for.. I am loving it!! And so are they.. my friends think I'm crazy.. but I seriously love it.. it's so awesome being home with them all day.. feeding them knowledge.. seeing them process it all and be proud of themselves when we do our quizzes.. no stressful after school routine.. when we are done around 1pm.. we are completely done for the day.. herlowww.. awesome!

Ethan is getting the shaft a bit.. but today he wanted to join in so we went over writing his name.. he lasted 10 mins tops and then wanted to go play.. ha!


He is a trip with the faces, right? Total knucklehead..

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Mom to all boys

Wasn't ganna link up, outta sheer laziness.. but now that I knocked quite a few things off my To Do List.. I'm bored.. and wanna dote on my babies..

This is Gavin.. also know as GavStar and G Dawg, oh and Gavina when we want to tease him.. ; )



He's 13.. and nothing like I imaged my teenaged son to be like.. he is so kind and sweet. So much so I have to remind myself (and the hubs) to lay off of him sometimes. He's so willing to help out it's hard not to add in one more quick "Hey Gav, can you.....?" because it's such a huge help!


Two days a month I do the bookkeeping for 3 Retro Fitnesses and I don't get home from NY until 8pm ish.. sometimes later.. by that time, Frank is exhausted from work, and the little two are happy to see me, but also ready for bed.. but not my Gavin.. he gives me a hug, asks me how my day was, sits with me while I eat something.. it's like he was waiting for me all day. I can not tell you how this kid just melts my heart.


Next up is Ayden, aka A Dawg or Ayders



We should've named this kid Frank Jr. Talk about his father's clone. They're both night owls and not so fond of authority.. lucky me. Ayden is super smart and super active.. He smiles all the time.. when he's nervous.. or happy.. or in trouble.. His teachers and I love this, let me tell ya! Can't wait to see what he grows up to be.



Last up is my Ethan.. Gavin and Ayden are so completely different.. night and day.. so when I found out I was having a third boy I seriously cried hysterical I just couldn't imagine him being different than the other two. I mean if he wasn't like one of them, then he'd surely be like the other since they were so different. No. Not the case. At all. He is unique all on his own. Ornery as Frank likes to call it. I just call it B-A-D. Tells me no, runs away, makes up stories that he tries to pass off as being true (most people call this lying. lol) Told me the other day that he was going to name his child "nipple" yep, nipple! We were all sitting there making up silly names for the boys to name their children: garbage can, ketchup.. and he comes up with nipple.

I'm 90% sure I'm done having children.. not having a girl tugs at my ovaries sometimes.. but I doubt I'll try again.. I mean, I'd probably just have another boy anyways.. ha! But that's okay.. I love my little men to pieces.. and they love me =)

Friday, March 30, 2012

Treadmill Time

I have so much to catch up on. I really need to start updating more often..

I have been slacking in the running department.. but in my defense, you can't really run with hiney problems.. (super duper painful hemorrhoid - I got no shame) I logged 31.7 miles for the month of February.. and being as I just started running Feb 4th that was pretty amazeballs! I mean I ran a bunch in the Army, but that was foreverrrr ago.. I've probably ran less than 30 miles in the past 10 years..

So now March started nearing its end and I didn't want to update that my total mileage was 9 miles.. even with me taking a week off due to my hiney hurting.. so yesterday I went to the gym and...


I had planned on running 6 miles.. but at mile 2 I hit the pause button to gulp some water.. and it wouldn't let me unpause it.. I kinda felt a little sick and dizzy, plus we were going out to dinner.. so I decided to call it a day.. got my gear and walked to my car..

and of course forgot my keys inside.. derrr.. but, the weirdest thing happened.. by the time I got to my truck I was a little ticked at myself for stopping at 2 miles.. plus I felt 100% better.. so you know what I did.. I went back in for more!! Oh yeah baby.. I felt so proud of myself.. I really wanted to do 4 and just get it over with.. but yeesh.. I was tired.. So I told myself I'd do 2 more.. then go do some arms, then come back and do a 3rd set of 2 miles.. and rack up my 6 total like I originally planned.. except at mile 2 I felt good and decided to do 2.5.. but then I had a genius idea.. I said I'll do 2.75 this way I would for sure get back on a 3rd time!! Because even if I was super tired from doing 2 sets.. there's no way I'd leave without at least doing .25 to round it off to an even 5 miles!! I know me! so that's why I did 2.75 the 2nd time..

The whole arm routine did not work out.. tons of guys in there.. and my nipples were at full attention.. ugh!! I mean I was sweating.. not cold.. what the frig?? Yeah, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror, nor did I want to turn around and face someone else.. so I did one quick set and got back on the tread.. for the 3rd time!!!!

So even though it took me 3 times.. I got my 6 miles in.. booyah!!

Today my legs were sore.. but I made myself do 3 miles before work.. well, at work technically.. I do the bookkeeping for a store that sells gym equipment and it's closed on Fridays.. so I take Ethan and we go chill.. hehe.. coincidentally I do bookkeeping for 3 Retro Fitnesses too.. ironic..


Todays run was slooooooow.. but whatever.. =) Oh and that whole me burning 416 calories.. uhh hell to the no.. I didn't enter my weight.. but when I entered this run in on Log Your Run.. it said 215-230 I forget.. but those are my accurate #s.. I guess maybe a 300 lb person might burn 400+ miles running 3 miles at 10 min pace.. but not me.. ha!

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Faux Stress

Professional blogger I am not. Most of the blogs I read are that of professional bloggers.. I am not sure how much they rake in, but getting a check in the mail instead of all bills or spam must be nice! But here, it's just a ton of random babbling without rhyme, reason, or photos..

So let's have another session of that, shall we??

I have so much on my mind today.. disorganized thoughts ping ponging off one another.. I can not stay focused on anything long enough to sort it out and solve.. hoping typing it out will help..

1. Do I want to have another child? I would LOVE LOVE LOVE a daughter.. my mother and I are so close and I can't imagine not having a daughter to shop with or lunch with or just bond in that way only girls can as I get older. And if I don't have any more kids.. should I get permanent birth control.. I am on the NuvaRing but it's still altering my natural state. And the risks increase with age.

2. Do I invest some money into sprucing up the house up? I am constantly looking here or there thinking that it could look so much cuter.. new paint, new trim, new throw rugs and pillows, new curtains, change up the bathroom, oh my.. it's so expensive.. I don't know where to start or what to do.. what if I paint something and I don't like it.. (again!!) and paint has to come first before I can match my accessories to it.. tough life I know..

3. Should I start a garden? Should I do a simple one that won't produce much or should I go big and take on a bigger project, but reap bigger results? Where should I do it?? How will I keep it protected from the animals and kids??

4. Should I home school the kids? They sit at desks all day with stressed out teachers who expect them to behave like little adults.. then after their 6 hour long day they come home with more work.. and heaven forbid they don't do it.. I get a rude email about how my 7 year old is holding up the entire class because he didn't have his questions ready. I have conferences tonight.. if Frank doesn't come (I don't expect he will) she is going to get an ear full.. if I can muster up the confidence.. cause I'm one of those all talk kind of gals.. remember..

Umm.. I can't think of anything else.. okay so I guess I'm not all stressed out and overloaded.. I just have a false feeling that I am.. ha!

So basically I need to repaint the kitchen for the millionth time, find cheap decor to make my house prettier.. nix the garden idea (because learning how is too much effort right now) and spruce up the yard with some landscaping instead.. oh and I need to tell my son's teacher to kiss off in the nicest way possible.. bitch

And I'm ganna go with the no more babies route.. and hold off on permanent birth control for another year..

Because doing nothing is always easier..

Monday, March 12, 2012

Day 8 Set back

A few years ago Kingdom Mama wrote a post about rings on a tree. Well, that was the metaphor she used to describe people changing.. I believe her grandmother told it to her.. and it has always stuck with me.

You can't see people change, or yourself for that matter, from day to day.. but when you look back and compare where you are today and where you were a year ago.. you see wonderful changes! Or at least, I do.

My husband, friends, and children are often hard on themselves for whatever faults, wrongs, sins.. they have committed. And I always tell them that as long as they feel bad for having done whatever it is they did, to just let it go and live the future sincerely trying to not do it again.

I used to have A LOT of guilt laying in bed at night. I would even often cry I felt so bad. Things I said to my children, not cleaning the house, not playing with the kids more.. whatever it was.. I had an unrealistic expectation that I was to be perfect and each night when I undoubtedly failed.. it ate me up inside!

And sometimes sure, it's warranted if you crossed the line, but that isn't what I'm talking about. I'm talking about Frank coming home from work, ticked off at something that happened that day and then being so bothered by it that when the boys get too rowdy, he flips out and yells at them. Then, it is guaranteed, that he immediately feels guilty for overreacting. So now he feels like shit from work AND home.

I say, fuck it!! I'm classy like that. Let it go. Do you really feel bad? Cause if you do, then next time, watch your temper and don't take your personal issues out on the kids. Get a better grip on self control. No ones perfect, but when you look back on your past, you better see some great strides.. Or else, you're really not trying that hard.

I used to yell, hit, and curse a lot more. And now, I say please and sorry more. What more can I ask of myself? I'm not perfect.. and I never will be.. nor do I even want that on my plate. I have faults and if you forgive and accept mine, I'll return the favor. Promise!

That isn't even what this post is about tho.. I'm just a rammer jammer babbler.. anywhoooo...

I have had an unhealthy love of food for too long.. 15 years ish.. and this past week was the first time I ever accomplished a week long goal. EVER. In FIFTEEN YEARS!! I'm pretty amazed with myself. And I sit here and wonder if this is really it. Is my emotional addiction over??? Can it be?? Or will I relapse and be turning to food next time I get antsy, bored, sad, mad, down and out?

I feel like I am in purgatory. My former life doesn't feel like the comfortable shoe anymore, but yet, I don't know what else is there.. I only know that life. The life where I spent hours everyday thinking about food, driving far distances to get a particular meal or treat (or both!), then regretting it, and sulking for a while. Then creating a new food plan for the next day.

It has really been a major life struggle. And even tho I turned to close friends, my husband, and even a shrink or two in the past, nothing has ever helped me. Frank just doesn't get it and says something obviously simple like "You just have to watch what you eat, ya know." and at that point I either tell him he's a moron who obviously doesn't understand what I am saying at all!! Or I smile and say "You're right. I know. I will." and then roll my eyes when he walks away.. option B has better results. Trust me. My friends don't get it either. They don't obsess with food like me. And the doctors are.. just too weird for me. I can't do it. It's freaky talking to a stranger and they offer information that I already know from googling the topic since my craziness began forever ago..

Anyway, for anyone who can relate, it's an obsessive mindset that takes away from your quality (and quantity) of life.

And here I am. No longer in her mind. How did I do it???? I wish I knew. I wish I could tell other girls and women what happened. But I can't.

I created a meal plan, just like I've done for years now. Except last Monday, I actually stuck to it. Then again on Tuesday and so on. My meal plan was quite strict too. I'm surprised I didn't cave. I would juice some veggies in the morn and drink a cup of that. Then coffee with creamer an hour or two later. Salad (apple cider vinegar dressing) for lunch, and a regular dinner, nothing too healthy, but only ate ONE serving (say what?!?!) and a normal person's serving, not a Nicole sized serving.

I saw results every day on the scale, so that definitely motivated me.

But here I am.. Sunday.. the day I set my first goal for.. and I accomplished it..

But now what?????????????????????

I can't go through another week of such restrictions. It wasn't too hard, but I am now craving fast food, and candy, and cake.. And I'm so sick of that spinach and strawberry salad with that dressing. It was delicious for the first week. I actually craved it. But no more.

I am in foreign territory. Not my familiar (crazed) self..


****************************************************

I ended my draft there yesterday.. and wasn't really sure what I wanted to tell my future self when I go back and see how this journey ended.. errr began.. but then I went and ate a bunch of carp today.. sooo.. um yeah.. we'll just randomly end it and begin anew. =)

I had my meal plan set up to include Arby's as my reward for doing so good last week, but then decided I didn't want to take the gas guzzler a half hour away for a sandwich.. but my mind was already in I'm-eating-crap-and-it's-okay mode.. so I went for the crap foods..and just didn't stop. and then did stop.. and then made a donut run! ugh..  at least I got up and went running (2.5 miles/8:48 pace - fastest time so far) .. fuggit.. What can I do..I told myself that sometimes a big calorie shift is good. It confuses the body and shakes things up. I have work the next two days and I typically don't eat there.. so I won't be pigging and I grabbed some healthy foods today so I should be good to get back on track tomorrow. Going to readjust some things on my meal plan and call it a day.

Day 8 first set back.. not too shabby.

Friday, March 9, 2012

A full week's success!!

I bought the juicer and have been making one round for me and Frank each morning before we have anything else. I would like to do it at night, but the clean up is just not worth it. Not that it's even that hard or time consuming, but once a day is enough for me.

I have been doing great with not overeating. Juice in the morning, coffee a few hours later, salad for lunch, and whatever dinner I want, just in a normal person's portion. It feels good. Having control and not feeling so stuffed all the time.

It has only been one week, but it's sort of like quitting cigarettes I imagine. It just gets easier.  I feel less tempted to turn to food when the kids are all talking to me at once or arguing over whatever it is they fancy at that moment. In fact, Frank had to run to Vitamin Shoppe tonight for his crack Jacked 3D and it's in the same shopping center as Salad Works so I decided that I'd go get a different salad (I have been eating spinach and strawberry salads alllllllll week long). Well, on the way he mentioned Taco Bell. I told him do what he wants, but I'm not getting any.

And I meant it. We ended up skipping both joints, but I was proud that I said no. I could've had him drive me to any fast food spot, but I resisted.

Did I mention I am only 5 days into my fast food recovery?? Yeah, I am IN LOVE with Dominos pizza, Burger King, and McDonalds. Wendy's used to be my #1, but the others have edged out in front. Especially Dominos. I recently upped my order from 2 pies to 3!!!!!!!! Frank pretty much gets his own. Then me and the boys would share one. But me and the baby need more! He cries if there isn't any leftover for later on or the next morning. I hear ya kid!!

I was eating fast food three nights a week. And that is not counting the afternoon runs to the bakery for me and Ethan. The other two will get something too, but not finish it. Ethan gets and finishes 2 things and I get about 4. That and the bagel shop. Oh my my. I get a plain with butter microwaved. An everything w/ cream cheese microwaved. And a cheese danish. I was doing that 3x a week for lunch for months now.

My only other bad food habit was candy. I'd be anxious, hungry, stressed and I'd make a loud announcement "Who wants candyyyy?!?!?!" and whatever was going on, whatever argument over video games or cries that they're hungry (but not for the food we have at home).. they were gone!! And what we had was 4 happy little spirits bouncing to the car for a candy run. I'd easily drop $15 at CVS for us. We did that once a week.

But not this week. This week the little devils tempted me with all their might. "Can we pleeeease get ____?" and I just replied with "No, I'm making ________." =) I'm super proud of myself. And I saved... okay, well I guess I didn't save anything because I spent well over $100 on just fruits and vegetables. I couldn't believe it. I was thinking $40 - $60.. But it's better than spending it on food that was going to make me feel like shit - physically and mentally!!

I am a small girl. Not super tiny, but small enough. I'm five foot even and pretty much stayed at 106 - 109 since high school 16 years ago. But a year ago it crept up to 112. I know a measly 3 lbs, but I noticed it and who wants to gain weight anyways? Not me. But I didn't care that much and kept going with my carb loving, emotional eating ways. Then about three months ago it crept again, this time up to 115. And I decided that I don't want to start gaining weight. 10 lbs is noticeable on me. My clothes are tighter. My shirts show my muffin and pudge. My arms are flabbier. No thank you! So I finally stopped my crazy eating, well at least for this past week I did. And I totally plan on continuing it. And I went from 115.5 last Sunday to this morning (Friday) 112.4. woo hoo!

Did I mention I am rewarding myself with not one but two Arby's beef & cheddars on Monday. Oh yes I am!! I know all the rules say don't reward with food, but why not?? It's my love language! I did great all week and damn it I want a beef and cheddar! Ok two. But I am keeping my calories within limit. AKA I'm not eating anything else all day. LOL I know that's so bad, BUT I am eating super healthy all week long and in order for me to continue I have to have one cheat day meal day meal. Whatever it is. I am taking Ethan and we'll eat there for lunch, then I'm taking one to go and that's dinner.

Then I'll go back to eating salads and shit for another week and then Friday me and my girls are celebrating a friend's birthday at a hibachi joint. Oh yeah!! Plus, my favorite bakery makes "green and whites" on St. Patty's day instead of "black and whites" and since I only eat the vanilla part, it's basically a dream come true!!

Ok ok. I have to stop so my adrenaline slows down or I'll never get to bed.

Tootles!

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Ash Wednesday

So my fast didn't start yesterday. My mom asked me to go out to breakfast, we haven't been in a while, and then.. it was just down hill from there. Today, however, was much gooder. I had a Clif Bar around 1:30pm and then 10 chips w/ salsa around 5pm. Just fed the kids some ooey gooey warm waffles and was tempted to go for round 3, but so glad I just walked away instead.

I know I didn't totally abstain from food, but I didn't really set out for that. I contemplated it, but even just drastically reducing my intake will give my body a much needed rest.

Gavin came to me last night and asked if I knew where his Rosary beads were. I gave them to him and then he asked if I could teach him how to say it. I wrote down all the prayers and he came home after school so proud that he had memorized them all. And I must say, I am super proud too!


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I died my hair the other day and went from love to hate in a matter of days (surprise! surprise!) I have had mousy brown hair with highlights for the past ten years or so and I was just sick of it. Every time I see a woman with super dark brown hair I get jealous/envious.. but in a good way - if there is such a thing. I just mean I don't get angry, I get like "Ohhh, girlfriend. Nice hair!" =) So I finally took the plunge and died mine super dark. Except, from past experience I know that I don't like plain Jane boring hair on me. So I decided to do one peek a boo highlight under my bangs and one under each ear.





So today I bought a highlighting kit to break up the dark brown.. and then in typical me fashion, I immediately decided I did not like the highlights and dyed it right back to dark brown. So this is what I still look like.. after damaging my hair for no reason at all.

I really need to find out how to do my eyebrows.. I plucked them in high school and they never grew back. My mom did the same thing and hers never grew back either. So weird. I don't know anyone else who has had that happen to them. Anywho. Gavin wants me to take him to church and I can make 7pm mass if I hurry!

Tootles!

Monday, February 20, 2012

Pinnacle of Poor Eating

Have you ever joked about something.. to mask an insecurity?? Today, while mindlessly doing that, I was kind of shocked into reality. I have a tendency to not eat until the afternoon, at which time I gorge eat about 1,000 to 1,500 calories (sometimes more) in one sitting.. I stuff myself to the gills then pretty much don't eat until way late at night and then consume 500 - 1,000 more calories. I hardly cook dinner because I am so stuffed by then and I obviously have no appetite.. so I usually just whip up something quick and easy for the kids. Frank is a complete enable of all this because he prefers to not eat much after 3 or 4pm. The fact that the boys prefer mac and cheese or chicken nuggets doesn't help either.

So um, yeah, anyways... that's my eating pattern 9 times out of 10. Well, one of my employers is a health nut and he always comments on how I don't ever bring anything to eat to work - I work from 8:30am - 1:30pm for him two days a week. I told him I am a binger and that I like to give my body a break in the mornings. So lately, he's been on my case, offering me food, or asking what I ate the day before.

Today, he offered me these super yummy crackers that he knows I love. I politely declined. He made a joke and I told him how I just had 5 slices of Dominos pizza before coming in (I was babysitting that morning so I didn't go in until 3:30pm)

His reaction was scary. He looked disgusted and shocked. Disgusted because Dominos is complete crap to him (he is Mr. oatmeal, organic fruit, and protein shakes.. did I mention he is 72?!?!) and shocked that my little body can down such large portions of food.

He said "You should enter that hotdog eating contest!" and I busted out laughing.. and he looked at me with such a serious face and said "I bet you'd win."

But he wasn't busting my chops at that point. He was really, truly, genuinely surprised that I would do that to my body. I kinda feel like crap because of it. I know that it isn't healthy. I know that it's actually quite unhealthy. I'm overloading my body with low quality, nutrient deficient crap and way too much of it at one time. Not cool.

I woke up today and my face didn't look right. My eyes were oddly swollen. I just chucked it up to it being morning and age. Well, I didn't look into the mirror again until bed time and my eyes were just as swollen if not worse! There went my morning theory. It literally happened overnight. Then as I was looking in the mirror I realized my cheeks and chin looked a bit off too. My cheeks were swollen as well and my chin had 10 little red spots. Not pimples, but sort of like them. I mean they could have been, but no heads and I can't feel them, but little red dots.

So depressing. I concluded it's probably because of salt. I use tons of salt. People who think they use a lot of salt always comment on my salt intake. "Wow Nicole. I like salt, but damn girl."

I always thought since I drank a few cups of water every day I was flushing it all out. Genius I know.

Did I mention after my 5 slices of Dominos for lunch, I then had a brownie with a scoop of ice cream on top, and the remaining 3 slices of my pie (that's pizza pie for all the non Jersians) for dinner. Oh and an orange. That's what I ate today. A whole freaking pie, a brownie with ice cream, and an orange.*rolls eyes*

And then to top off my shitastic day, I got on the scale.. don't ask.

Let's just say it's time to change my shit up. My poor organs need a break. Seriously. I am going to do a detox cleanse. I don't care what my mother or anyone else thinks. Call it starving; call it stupid. My body can use a vacation and that is what I'm giving it. Not sure of all the details, though I have a pretty good idea of what I'll do and for how long. I obviously can't go running on empty, so either I'll skip it or eat something light on those days. We'll see...

But yeah, today is the pinnacle.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Lazy Days Rule

I have been vegging out in bed on my laptop so much lately. I told Frank last night that people who stay in bed all day are typically depressed, but that I'm as happy as a clam! I LOVE my life. I love my family, my marriage, my running, my warm cozy bed with my cat curled up next me. It's the best!

Buuuut, I need to stop. Between work, the kids, the hubs, and the house I'm a busy gal. And any time spent chilling is time that I am not spending productively. So starting tomorrow here shortly, I'm going to clean my house, go running, start my SIL's baby booties and THEN, then I will crawl back up in this super cozy bed of mine and google my heart out.

Or I'll read my Joyce Meyer's book that I've had for years, seriously at least five, and have never even cracked open. I started it last night and it was pretty great.

Today's Todos:

Run 5 miles
Clean house, truck, dog, and children

hehe

Thursday, February 16, 2012

6 miler!!

I ran 6 miles this morning in a few seconds shy of 60 minutes.

And then, I got choked up and almost cried because I was disappointed in myself.

I can stress enough that I. am. a whacko!!

Ya see, I set out to run 7. I also was hoping that my time would've been slightly faster. But thankfully the hubs brought me back to reality. I mean I haven't run 6 miles ever. I ran a bunch of 4.5s in the Army and our road marches were insanely long, but that's marching with tons of gear on your back and boots on your feet (and weapon in hand ; ) Totally different (but just as hard) than running.

Can I call it "running" because I'm really just "jogging". But that's what people call it, right?

But anyways.. yeah so I was so ticked that I stopped and had to walk at mile 6.. and that my time was so long. But after talking with the hubs he made me feel like a champion! And I am gosh darn it! It's my day off, no kids here, I could've done anything and I chose to jog run my tail off. *pats self on back* hehe

Definitely need a few days off after 6 miles. My hiney is sore and of course my legs. By mile 4 I was spent. I was soooo thirsty and not that I was hungry, but I definitely shouldn't run longer runs on an empty stomach. My body was weak. I think if I had 2 or 3 bites of a protein bar and some water I would've made it to mile 7. But I'm new at this. Live and learn. Today was my longest run ever and I learned some new things as well. Nothing else to it.

Frank said "Babe (or maybe Hon) you just ran a 10K. Good job!" I heart that man of mine.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

5 miler

Distance: 5.11 miles
Time: 0 hr 49 min 26 secs
Average pace: 9:40 min/miles
Calories: 439

We recently got our income tax return.. I had such grand plans for my chunk of change.. oh the plans.. and then.. shit came up.. and my plans were over.. before they even began..  hehe.. oh well.

One of the splurges I was ganna buy was a Garmin running watch.. ta daaaa:








This watch is amazing.. not only does it track your overall time, it uses GPS to keep track of each individual mile's pace. It tells you the elevation you ran, your average pace. It's just a great tool for tracking your progress. But, being as I already spent too much money, I really don't wanna drop $100 on this bad boy.

And now, I don't have to! My Droid broke and I had to buy a new phone, so I got the iphone 4s, which I must admit, I wasn't a fan of at first. But only because it was new and different and I wasn't use to it. But now that I'm getting the hang of it.. I can understand the iphone craze.

One of the apps Log Your Run does exactly what the Garmin does. Oh my word, seriously?! I feel like the luckiest person ever. I got a new phone, and since it plays music it's like having an ipod touch, and now it's like having a new Garmin too.. The app is also available online so I can log in from my lap top and see my results as well. This has been a great great find!

Did I mention that I haven't ran 5 miles since I was in Army.. and that I got out of the Army in 2001.. um yeah. I was a bit nervous attempting it, but I figured worse case I'd just do that run/walk dance that people do. You know the one where they look like they are running, but they might as well be walking because they are moving just as slow. Yeah, that one. But, I didn't have to.. I made it the entire time just trucking along at a 9.4 minute mile. Which isn't fast by any means, but it's a good pace for me, for now.

And now, I'm in bed. ha!

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Run #3

Ran 3 miles in 29 minutes yesterday and then again today. In the snow. : )


Lately I've been on a dominos pizza kick.. oh my my.. but today I craved something else. Running! I couldn't believe it. I was driving home from Wal Mart with the kids, a little stressed out, and I just couldn't wait to run in the snow. It was like a test. Flakes falling from the sky is a pretty good excuse to not go running, but I just couldn't stand making another excuse. We walked in the door and I ran upstairs to get dressed for it and left before I could even think about it. I felt amazing! I saw my neighbor waving as she drove by. My friend's husband rolled down his window and shouted "I'm telling Jeannette you're running without her!" with his very think Irish accent. It was sooo cool to be that girl. It takes your mind off of everything!

All I kept thinking was You go girl.  : )  It's nice being able to be proud of yourself for something. Especially to the point where you think about it several times a day. I mean, I am proud of who I am as a wife, but I don't think about it too often. But running.. it makes me smile a dozen times a day.

Too bad I can't be proud of cleaning my house. Because it is in need of some serious TLC. I keep saying tomorrow, but shit keeps coming up. I have got to stop delaying the inevitable and not eat or sit down until a humongous chunk is crossed off my To Do List.. but not today. We'll do that "tomorrow."

Teheheheheh

Tootles

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Half Marathon Training

3 miles / 30 minutes

Well, I signed up for the Long Branch Half Marathon. Not that I am a runner by any means though. LOL I was tempted to shoot for the full marathon, but Frank's doubt kinda scared me. He gave me the look that said "Dang. How do I tell her she really shouldn't do that without being rude?" Props for trying to be supportive though honey.

I just figured that if I signed up and put my money where my mouth is, then I'd probably start running to train for it. Otherwise I knew my exercise regime would stay at non-existent. And if you are going to run in a marathon, or "half" in my case, this is the one you want!! It's right on the ocean and it's terrain is as flat as a pancake. I have always lived near the ocean and it's my go-to place when life gets hectic and I need to reconnect with God. It's going to make the miles fly.

The only thing I am not thrilled about is running alone for my training. I have an above average fear of being attacked. I tried looking for running groups in my area, but it didn't pan out. None of my friends exercise, I say I don't exercise and that's only because I used to be hardcore into Spin class and haven't gone since November, but in general I get my workouts in - sometimes more than others. But my friends never work out, like seriously not since gym class. Ha!

Except for one girl who I wasn't too close with in school, or the decade after that, but for about 5 years now we have become close. I joined the Army at 18, she joined the Marines. We both got married as a teen on the same day! May 23, 1997, had a baby 18 mo later, and was divorced a year after that. And then we both met our current husbands, got married (again!) and have been with our spouses for ten years! Eerily similar while not even being friends at the time.

Anywho, I said to Frank she was my only option - and boy if I don't love that girl, she said yes! So at 8am I drove to her house and we took off. We ran 3 miles in 30 mins and we didn't stop once.

Not sure if I can count on her for my entire training, but I'm ganna try!!

Monday, January 30, 2012

Parent God Loving Children

I was just at Kelly's Korner and she was having a crappy day because her daughter doesn't listen too well.. and she feels like it reflects her.. and that in turn.. she's a bad mom.. Herlow?! Did I not just write about that yesterday?? Don't you just love when God puts the signs for sanity right up in your face like that?? Like, aw my Nicole feels alone, let me show her know the truth is otherwise. =)

So then Kelly said this other blog had a similar story and it was uplifting and funny.. so bored little me decided to check it out.. and oh em gee.. it was wonderful!!!!

It was so good I had Gavin come read it. It totally lifted my spirits..

I was feeling a million times better than yesterday anyways.. sometimes life just feels so overwhelming.. but, when it passes, you can see all your blessings again.

I was thinking about how I should write about where I am in my life.. I always write so that I can remember the kids.. but will my 50 year old self remember the 30 year old me?? I have a horrible memory, so my money is on No.

But talking in the 3rd person is so awkward.. soo maybe another day ; )