Monday, November 15, 2010

My thoughts are consuming me
She's been stuck in fast forward for weeks now
Glimpses are seen sporadically
But nothing makes sense
The nonsensical mayhem is causing aggression
but much worse is the guilt or is it shame
Who am I
Why are you so angry all the time
The kids can't dance or be goofy? Really?!
It bothers you that much
You suck
You and your ridiculous time outs
*rolls eyes*
Here's a hint: any progress?
Take the time to talk
kindly and calmly
They only act as they see
I suck
Ok, a bit on the dramatic side.. but I'm really not in a good mental place.. I am annoying at everything.. I'm not in the mood to clean or really do anything.. including taking a shower and getting ready.. it's like a chore..
The kids are disobedient.. day in and day out.. I feel like.. what's the point? Why am I spending all my time and energy on these kids.. when none of it is working out.. I tell them the same things every single day.. dozens of times a day.. WHY?? Why waste any more breaths..
I was cleaning Gavin's room today and found a piece of paper with unpleasant words on it.. I would have NEVER thought Gavin would write those words.. I was shocked to say the least.. and sad.. and disappointed.. and scared..
I feel as tho I am a failure.. like Ayden not listening is a report card of my mothering.. and his not listening is a big fat F every single day.. I tell him the same stuff every day.. don't jump on the couch.. calm down.. give the toy to your brother.. and when I talk to him.. he smiles at me.. as if it's funny.. then I send him in time out and he whines.. and cries.. and gets angry.. and then.. he gets out and is doing the same exact thing minutes later..
Am I supposed to be hitting my kids? Cause I don't.. I mean I have.. but I feel as tho that's something that parents who lose their temper do.. and I feel so bad for their ego.. it's so embarrassing.. I mean Gavin's 11.. that's weird.. and I don't just wanna hit Ayden.. cause Gav's too old and Ethan's too young.. so I don't..
I do time outs.. but I think I'm done with them.. my kids could and often do live in the corner.. they're either all angry or they don't care and they're playing with their hands or whatnot..
I don't know.. just feeling like I failed my kids.. but I can hardly keep myself on track.. I can't in fact.. I'm always carrying over chores from the previous day that I didn't do.. or getting angry and being snotty.. how can I expect my kids to act any better?
I'm due soon.. maybe I'm just hormonal.. cause I'm normally not so blue.. *sigh*

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