Thursday, February 25, 2010

Gypsy Soul

It's snowing here in Jersey.. again.. I cannot believe its actually sticking.. it snowed tons and then JUST started to melt for the past three days or so.. so everything was a mess mess.. everything.. I woke up this morning at 5am from the school calling to tell us that there'd be early dismissals and no aftercare.. my single mom friend has been missing so much work lately because of school cancellations and I knew she'd have to call out again if her daughter was getting out early with no aftercare.. so I texted her that I'd watch her BUT that she had to drop her off here INSTEAD of school.. I had already decided that early dismissal was going to mess up my schedule too much.. I have the baby home with me all day and getting the older two already takes an hour.. but early dismal times would mean two trips out.. and getting Ariana (her daughter) would mean THREE.. I think not.

So the five of us are safe and sound in our heated home.. trying REALLY hard to NOT complain about the weather.. It is really pretty.. and the other day I saw a commercial for some Christmas movie about to come out on DVD and I actually thought "I can't wait for Christmas!" I just LOVE LOVE LOVE Hallmark movies at Christmas time.. I have officially and undoubtedly become my mother!! But that's okay too because she rocks!

I talked to Gavin about how I want to start praying with them before bed.. It was a bit awkward for me to suggest it and he looked a bit awkward as he agreed to it.. but that's just because it's foreign to us.. after a month it'll be easy cheesy.. I really want to start teaching the boys about God.. even though I am not really sure what I even believe about Him..

I believe that God created us.. and I believe that He has given me the best life ever.. even though I don't think I deserve it.. at all.. but I'm not sure I believe in "heaven".. I would love it if it were true..

My problem is I'm afraid my soul will be broken.. I live in FEAR of this.. that God will take one of my children somehow: illness, accident, kidnapping.. I thought about it the other night and this is what I came to.. People who believe in heaven have so much faith that they aren't as afraid as I am to lose their children because they believe that they will be with God and that they will live in His paradise.. and I picture their "soul" as being this softball-sized thick, unbreakable, ball.. but my soul (because I don't believe in heaven) is this softball-sized, super thin, easily broken glass ball..

OH BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The baby pooped.. and I just asked Gavin to run up and get me more diapers.. yeah.. I have like FOUR left.. I have never.. in 11 years of being a mother.. ran out of diapers.. I mean, I have four left.. but hellooooo.. it's a snow storm out there.. bummerrrr...

I should go now before it gets worse.. crap.. bummer.. dang it!!

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